Body Language - not just for strippers anymore... Body Language can make or break you. Body Language says more than you know. Below are some Body Language does and dont's. Read them, print them, carry them with you and of course use them wisely...
Common Body Language does:
Tilting your head: Not only a great way to flirt but also a great way to show that you are interested. When you talk to a dog they tilt their heads and most of the time that is not to try and ignore your mind numbing voice but instead to listen to the dribble that is bouncing off your bumping gums... So take a cute cue from your dog and tilt your head when listening.
Don't blink: Boy puppies can get away with tilting their heads but real men can't so I recommend not blinking. Look deep into their eyes and go Geoff Goldblum in the fly - bug your eyes out and don't blink. Women especially like it when men look at them and don't blink, it brings them comfort.
Folding your hands on your lap: Sure some may this is immature and if you are a guy it can remind people of a time in junior high when you could not comfortably make it to the chalk board. But in a professional setting like at a board meeting it is totally cool to hide your hands. I even recommend bringing your note book below the table - makes it seem like you know something other people don't. You could be taking secret notes for the CEO. Make the others think...
Crossing your legs: Ever since Basic Instinct, Sharon Stone has given leg crossing a great name unless you are a man. Men can't do the tight leg cross. It makes other men wonder - how come that does not hurt him, it hurts me..... But for you ladies - crossing and uncrossing your legs during a meeting is totally okay and highly recommend. If you don't know how, go to Blockbuster tonight and rent Basic Instinct, Sharon gives a great tutorial.
Excessive touching: Some HR folks frown upon excessive touching and those people are wrong. You want your office and new found relationships to run like a finely tuned NBA championship team and that means touching. Slaps on the ass are encouraged even if the person is just going for a bathroom break. Hugs with a kiss on the cheek after a hard day of work - standard! A hug because a hug is what is needed - go for it. Open mouth kisses - if he/she is hot than of course...
Playing with or tugging at your hair, jewelry or clothes: For ladies with larger than normal sweater kittens or for women that just got new sweater kittens (surgically enhanced) we call this the adjustment. Much like the baseball pitcher that does more ball handling in a game than an NBA point guard. The shift can be necessary and should be done every half hour. Past the your big and/or new friends - eating your hair is always sexy, letting your necklace fall below the neck line, then picking it up and letting it fall over and over again is always a plus...
Now let's close with the ultimate body language song: Body Language by INXS
If you say something to me
An' you mean, you mean what you say
An' you're wanting my attention
There's a game you must play Body Language
Body Language
Body Language
Body Language yo o o o o o
Use your eyes and your face
Words have no place
Move your body in a way
So I will know what you say
Body Language
Body Language
Body Language
Body Language yo o o o o
Happy Friday now go talk with your body...
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Craigslist... Missed Connections
You saw them. Maybe you talked with them. Maybe your eyes met. But whatever happened it was special enough to post on CraigList.com. Let's take a look at some missed connections and find the reality behind them.
The post: Hello.... I met you at the pool in Vegas the week of June 18th - you and your friends were in the pool, we chatted about the mortgage biz and were talking about our tattoos.... I really really want to talk to you. All I know is your name is Neil and your Birthday is October like mine. Please please :) I hope you find this email.
The reality: First, it was Vegas, so the guy is probably married with 4 kids and just aching to cheat on his wife of 6 months. Second, it is Vegas, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Third, it is Vegas, everything is a gamble including meeting a stranger at the pool hoping for a hook up and ending up with a warm beer and sunburn. Fourth, it is Vegas, you are just a ruthless for posting this...
The post: Looking for the cute guy who gave me directions to Boeing in HB.. You were too sweet, and SOOO hot.. thank you!!
The reality: You are not hot and he is likely homeless, hence he cannot get to an Internet cafe to find the CL Missed Connections to reach out to you. But good for you that you even find homeless people attractive. Now go to Pearl Vision and get your eyes checked.
The post: You were standing outside talking to another guy I was driving down Chapman towards the circle with my window rolled down, it was really nice outside We both took a 2cnd look, I might have waved or smiled but I had just spent 6 hrs in the ER at St Josephs and wasn't feeling well and was afraid if I looked at you any longer I would have rear ended the car in front of me. I just wanted to see if I caught your eye as much as you caught mine. If you read this respond back with the color car I was driving, and what color hair I have. I hope you read this you were cute =)
The reality: 6 hrs in the ER and driving? He was probably amazed that you where on the road and had to take a second look at the girl the hospital gown that escaped in a stolen car. ER girl, are you in any condition to be spitting game after 6 hrs, let alone 5 minutes in the ER - nope.com. You have ER eyes - your eyes have been dumbed down to open skulls, bleeding, broken bones, wheel chairs and gernies. Anyone with a full set of teeth that is not moaning and/or bleeding is going to be hot to you....
There you have it, 3 missed connections and 3 real world answers to the missed connections. Have a great short and sweet Thursday.
The post: Hello.... I met you at the pool in Vegas the week of June 18th - you and your friends were in the pool, we chatted about the mortgage biz and were talking about our tattoos.... I really really want to talk to you. All I know is your name is Neil and your Birthday is October like mine. Please please :) I hope you find this email.
The reality: First, it was Vegas, so the guy is probably married with 4 kids and just aching to cheat on his wife of 6 months. Second, it is Vegas, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Third, it is Vegas, everything is a gamble including meeting a stranger at the pool hoping for a hook up and ending up with a warm beer and sunburn. Fourth, it is Vegas, you are just a ruthless for posting this...
The post: Looking for the cute guy who gave me directions to Boeing in HB.. You were too sweet, and SOOO hot.. thank you!!
The reality: You are not hot and he is likely homeless, hence he cannot get to an Internet cafe to find the CL Missed Connections to reach out to you. But good for you that you even find homeless people attractive. Now go to Pearl Vision and get your eyes checked.
The post: You were standing outside talking to another guy I was driving down Chapman towards the circle with my window rolled down, it was really nice outside We both took a 2cnd look, I might have waved or smiled but I had just spent 6 hrs in the ER at St Josephs and wasn't feeling well and was afraid if I looked at you any longer I would have rear ended the car in front of me. I just wanted to see if I caught your eye as much as you caught mine. If you read this respond back with the color car I was driving, and what color hair I have. I hope you read this you were cute =)
The reality: 6 hrs in the ER and driving? He was probably amazed that you where on the road and had to take a second look at the girl the hospital gown that escaped in a stolen car. ER girl, are you in any condition to be spitting game after 6 hrs, let alone 5 minutes in the ER - nope.com. You have ER eyes - your eyes have been dumbed down to open skulls, bleeding, broken bones, wheel chairs and gernies. Anyone with a full set of teeth that is not moaning and/or bleeding is going to be hot to you....
There you have it, 3 missed connections and 3 real world answers to the missed connections. Have a great short and sweet Thursday.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
5 must have relationships
Let's cut to the dirty - 5 must have relationships that can and if you play your cards right will lead to marriage and with the odds over 50%, divorce as well...
Coming in at number 1: My Buddy, My Buddy and Me:
Remember that doll/toy back in the day that competed with Cabbage Patch Kids? The toy that trained us to stop saying my doll or my favorite toy but instead "My Buddy" - creating a friendship with the doll/toy on a deeper level. Sing it with me - My buddy, my buddy, my buddy and me... My buddy and me like to climb up a tree.. My buddy and me, he is the best friend he can be... blah, blah, blah.... (I added the blah, blah, blah)
That written, find a man or woman that keeps you at a distance in public leaving you with the status of, "so have you met my..... friend?" The friend line lets you know and feel comfort in the reality of this question: "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends..." So all you lovers out there remember to be introduced as a friend is stronger than escort or rented by the hour lover or stripper on her/his lunch break.
Coming in at number 2: Single White Dater:
Remember the classic cult thriller Single White Female? Yeah, the loving girl moves in and takes on all the traits of her roommate including the trait of getting her man drunk and sleeping with him. What are roommates for, after all she was asleep...
The highest form of flattery and personality stalking is copying.... You want to find someone that will copy you, minus your hair cut. No one wants to see another Mr. and Mrs. Kurt Warner with their spiked grey and black matching hair cuts (clipper number 2 please).... But you do want a robot lover that suddenly believes everything you do, copies your traits and embraces all of your favorites as theirs - even if they have a peanut allergy... This type of person makes planning your weekends and soon to come wedding super easy, after all what is there to argue about?
Coming in at number 3: Match.com Lifetime Member:
You don't want to date the Amish kid that just got off the farm. He is turned on by a digital Timex and color printing at Kinkos... You want that special someone to have been around the block about 200 times... You need someone with experience in starting and ending relationships without a lick of guilt or emotion. After all the odds are stacked against you that your marriage will last so get with someone that will end it like ripping off a band-aid!
Coming in at number 4: Saying Yes Is Expensive
Sometimes it is okay just to live together and not get married. The economy is in the toilet and to be honest, divorce is expensive. So live together but not past 7 years - past 7 years and you fall into a common law relationship... Wait, what am I saying here - we both know you have not and will not be in a relationship lasting more than 7 years....
Coming in at number 5: Gonna Write This Down
Back in the day it was a diary where you kept your deepest, darkest secrets. Then Doogie Howser MD came on and showed us how our computer can be a diary.... Then came reality TV and then blogging... Your life, your passions, your secrets, your world exposed in the digital world. Find a person that shares their life on FaceBook, MySpace, their blog, etc... This is a person that does not hold back but instead keeps the world and their emotions wide open for the world to see. This kind of person screams stability. Plus is there anything better than 10 minutes after your first date seeing an FB posting or blog with pics of you (the best is when you don't even know that the pic was taken) and gushing about how much fun you are and how you may just be the "one." These are the kind of people that will tattoo your name on their body - wrist, upper arm, belly, lower back (right below their rainbow or unicorn tattoo), even down their leg in bold New Courier - sexy!!!
For all the single ladies (I hope I got the lyrically complex Beyonce song stuck in your head now) and all the single guys out there - now you have 5 stable and loving people to look for. If the person you are with does not fall into one of these buckets, dump them and find someone new, someone that fits one of the above categories - if you play your cards right you can get a mix of all 5. That person is called Sybil.
Coming in at number 1: My Buddy, My Buddy and Me:
Remember that doll/toy back in the day that competed with Cabbage Patch Kids? The toy that trained us to stop saying my doll or my favorite toy but instead "My Buddy" - creating a friendship with the doll/toy on a deeper level. Sing it with me - My buddy, my buddy, my buddy and me... My buddy and me like to climb up a tree.. My buddy and me, he is the best friend he can be... blah, blah, blah.... (I added the blah, blah, blah)
That written, find a man or woman that keeps you at a distance in public leaving you with the status of, "so have you met my..... friend?" The friend line lets you know and feel comfort in the reality of this question: "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends..." So all you lovers out there remember to be introduced as a friend is stronger than escort or rented by the hour lover or stripper on her/his lunch break.
Coming in at number 2: Single White Dater:
Remember the classic cult thriller Single White Female? Yeah, the loving girl moves in and takes on all the traits of her roommate including the trait of getting her man drunk and sleeping with him. What are roommates for, after all she was asleep...
The highest form of flattery and personality stalking is copying.... You want to find someone that will copy you, minus your hair cut. No one wants to see another Mr. and Mrs. Kurt Warner with their spiked grey and black matching hair cuts (clipper number 2 please).... But you do want a robot lover that suddenly believes everything you do, copies your traits and embraces all of your favorites as theirs - even if they have a peanut allergy... This type of person makes planning your weekends and soon to come wedding super easy, after all what is there to argue about?
Coming in at number 3: Match.com Lifetime Member:
You don't want to date the Amish kid that just got off the farm. He is turned on by a digital Timex and color printing at Kinkos... You want that special someone to have been around the block about 200 times... You need someone with experience in starting and ending relationships without a lick of guilt or emotion. After all the odds are stacked against you that your marriage will last so get with someone that will end it like ripping off a band-aid!
Coming in at number 4: Saying Yes Is Expensive
Sometimes it is okay just to live together and not get married. The economy is in the toilet and to be honest, divorce is expensive. So live together but not past 7 years - past 7 years and you fall into a common law relationship... Wait, what am I saying here - we both know you have not and will not be in a relationship lasting more than 7 years....
Coming in at number 5: Gonna Write This Down
Back in the day it was a diary where you kept your deepest, darkest secrets. Then Doogie Howser MD came on and showed us how our computer can be a diary.... Then came reality TV and then blogging... Your life, your passions, your secrets, your world exposed in the digital world. Find a person that shares their life on FaceBook, MySpace, their blog, etc... This is a person that does not hold back but instead keeps the world and their emotions wide open for the world to see. This kind of person screams stability. Plus is there anything better than 10 minutes after your first date seeing an FB posting or blog with pics of you (the best is when you don't even know that the pic was taken) and gushing about how much fun you are and how you may just be the "one." These are the kind of people that will tattoo your name on their body - wrist, upper arm, belly, lower back (right below their rainbow or unicorn tattoo), even down their leg in bold New Courier - sexy!!!
For all the single ladies (I hope I got the lyrically complex Beyonce song stuck in your head now) and all the single guys out there - now you have 5 stable and loving people to look for. If the person you are with does not fall into one of these buckets, dump them and find someone new, someone that fits one of the above categories - if you play your cards right you can get a mix of all 5. That person is called Sybil.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Juggling... Cats
Unemployment is at a 20 year high.... People are doing whatever they can for a fast buck. People are also taking the time away from the cubicle (the nice way to say laid off) to pursue their passions and dreams - tapping into their entrepreneurial spirit.
Remember the Smothers Brothers? They could make a Yo-Yo dance across the stage while telling bad jokes.. Two skinny older white guys making Yo-Yo magic throughout the 70's and 80's. A great example of the entrepreneurial spirit alive and well in America. But maybe the Yo-Yo is not for you... Maybe you want something a bit more challenging...
Then I ask you - are you an animal lover? Do you like juggling? If you answered yes to both than offer the job of a lifetime.... International Cat Juggler...
More dangerous than juggling chainsaws - yes. More fun than a barrel of monkeys - yes. International travel - standard. Learning curve - minor. PETA stalking you - yes.
Think juggling cats is cruel? Then this site is for you: http://www.livenudecats.com/ (pervert)
In other news:
Michael Jackson's body is being choppered to Staples Center. For those of you that are not history buffs - this is not a good idea. The last time a cultural icon was choppered into a crazed crowd, was when Iatola Humani of Iran died. They flew his body over the crowd as they gathered to pay respect to him. The crazed crowd went after his body like pinata... The casket broke. His body fell out. Some kid left with a finger... Not a good thing.
In sporting news:
Forest Gump is back... Okay that is not true, but Ping Pong or as they say in China - "Ping Pong" is back... Location: Vegas. Prize money: 100k... The league: Hardbat.... Polish up your racket it's pong time!
Thinking about gambling on the event? Well you can't. It should be noted that the Las Vegas sports books refused to make book on the Hardbat. You know something is shady when Vegas refuses to make a book on an event...
In TSA news:
People are asking the question: is the TSA going to far in their searches?
The Transportation Security Administration has moved beyond just checking for weapons and explosives. It’s now training airport screeners to spot anything suspicious, and then honoring them when searches lead to arrests for crimes like drug possession and credit-card fraud.
Questioning travelers is part of TSA’s standard procedures, and the agency gives its employees discretion. “TSA security officers are trained to ask questions and assess passenger reactions,” Mr. Soule says. “TSA security officers may use their professional judgment and experience to determine what questions to ask passengers during screening.”
Have you ever seen a TSA screener? If one word does not represent them, experience is the other word. Tight pants, tight shirts, fake badges, bad shoes and a below average literacy rate... Add all that up and then divide by an hourly rate and you have a lot, but nothing that adds up to experience or professional judgement.
Getting questioned and physically searched by a TSA agent is like getting felt up and questioned at the Taco Bell drive through... Wrong, just wrong...
In entertainment news:
Matlock Seasons 1 through 3 and the 9th season of Murder She Wrote are out on DVD... Go get some party people...
In conclusion: if you are out of work you can become a TSA agent or International Cat Juggler. And if you have not heard, Michael Jackson is dead and his body will be viewed at Staples Center - yeah that sounds safe....
Happy Tuesday....
Remember the Smothers Brothers? They could make a Yo-Yo dance across the stage while telling bad jokes.. Two skinny older white guys making Yo-Yo magic throughout the 70's and 80's. A great example of the entrepreneurial spirit alive and well in America. But maybe the Yo-Yo is not for you... Maybe you want something a bit more challenging...
Then I ask you - are you an animal lover? Do you like juggling? If you answered yes to both than offer the job of a lifetime.... International Cat Juggler...
More dangerous than juggling chainsaws - yes. More fun than a barrel of monkeys - yes. International travel - standard. Learning curve - minor. PETA stalking you - yes.
Think juggling cats is cruel? Then this site is for you: http://www.livenudecats.com/ (pervert)
In other news:
Michael Jackson's body is being choppered to Staples Center. For those of you that are not history buffs - this is not a good idea. The last time a cultural icon was choppered into a crazed crowd, was when Iatola Humani of Iran died. They flew his body over the crowd as they gathered to pay respect to him. The crazed crowd went after his body like pinata... The casket broke. His body fell out. Some kid left with a finger... Not a good thing.
In sporting news:
Forest Gump is back... Okay that is not true, but Ping Pong or as they say in China - "Ping Pong" is back... Location: Vegas. Prize money: 100k... The league: Hardbat.... Polish up your racket it's pong time!
Thinking about gambling on the event? Well you can't. It should be noted that the Las Vegas sports books refused to make book on the Hardbat. You know something is shady when Vegas refuses to make a book on an event...
In TSA news:
People are asking the question: is the TSA going to far in their searches?
The Transportation Security Administration has moved beyond just checking for weapons and explosives. It’s now training airport screeners to spot anything suspicious, and then honoring them when searches lead to arrests for crimes like drug possession and credit-card fraud.
Questioning travelers is part of TSA’s standard procedures, and the agency gives its employees discretion. “TSA security officers are trained to ask questions and assess passenger reactions,” Mr. Soule says. “TSA security officers may use their professional judgment and experience to determine what questions to ask passengers during screening.”
Have you ever seen a TSA screener? If one word does not represent them, experience is the other word. Tight pants, tight shirts, fake badges, bad shoes and a below average literacy rate... Add all that up and then divide by an hourly rate and you have a lot, but nothing that adds up to experience or professional judgement.
Getting questioned and physically searched by a TSA agent is like getting felt up and questioned at the Taco Bell drive through... Wrong, just wrong...
In entertainment news:
Matlock Seasons 1 through 3 and the 9th season of Murder She Wrote are out on DVD... Go get some party people...
In conclusion: if you are out of work you can become a TSA agent or International Cat Juggler. And if you have not heard, Michael Jackson is dead and his body will be viewed at Staples Center - yeah that sounds safe....
Happy Tuesday....
Monday, July 6, 2009
Summer, the cheating season...
Summer time means less clothes, more sunshine and the wandering eye for both sexes... Some of the experts at Yahoo/Shine think they have figured out some key signs that your man ma be cheating or wanting to cheat on you... Now it is time to debunk the experts and give some harsh but real insight into why he is doing what he is doing...
The expert says: Watch out if he doesn't invite you to a work event that other coworkers' partners are attending, like an office picnic or rooftop drinks. "Not inviting you implies that he doesn't want his coworkers to know he has a girlfriend so he can flirt with someone else," says New York City therapist Diana Kirschner, PhD.
OR: You can't hold your booze. In the past he has taken you to events with his boss and co-workers. You got blind drunk, kissed the copy boy, made fun of the boss in his shorts and did kart wheels in the middle of the coed volleyball game. Even worse, it could be that you bring nothing to the party. You don't understand his job and don't stay up on current events. No worries to you though - you still bump your gums talking about Brad and Angelina trying to compare their relationship to the North Korean nuclear crisis... But no you should take your insecurities and think he is cheating... Look in the mirror Chatty Kathy.... Pic up a paper... Put down the US Weekly and the Appletini and try to work your brain out - start at 5 minutes a day...
The expert says: Though it's normal for guys to check out other women for a second or two, even if you're right there with him, be concerned if he's taking "more than a quick glance in front of you. It's a sign he isn't concerned with appearing faithful and may be open to playing around," says Kirschner.
OR: Maybe you should take off the moo-moo and put on something nice. Being in a relationship does not give you the right to let yourself go or start dressing down... Looking at another woman in a two piece may be the only time he gets to see that because you choose to rock the one piece that looks like a 1940's special edition. Come on, grandma is showing more leg than you... BTW - a guy looking for 4 seconds instead of 2 seconds is not the gateway drug to fooling around on you. If he asks for her number in front of you then yes, he is game to fooling around on you but a glance or a look just means that he needs to work on looking at you more and you need to give him a reason to look... NEXT!
The expert says: Take notice if he tells you that he wants to use his summer vacation to take a guys-only trip and doesn't set aside any time off to spend with you. True, he could really just want to hang out at the beach with his buddies. But he could also want to mess around out of town, where he's less likely to be caught.
OR: This so called expert is killing me. Everything has the message that your guy is going to cheat. Next thing you know traffic will be a reason for him to cheat. Yes he does really want to spend time with his buddies. Sure Sunday Funday watching the Lifetime Channel is great. You cry, he sleeps, you wake him up... Blah, blah, blah... Sometimes guys need to be with other guys so they can curse, drink beers, watch sports, yell at the TV and be like cavemen. Side note - guys are not smart enough to plan a trip out of town to cheat. We will cheat on you in the same town, even if that town only has 100 people... So don't give us that much planning credit...
Like crazy Christian's that find a demon in everything when it goes wrong and an angel when it goes right (the fridge broke - fridge demon is back, get the exorcist to cast out the fridge demon... come on it was made by a man or a woman or a machine that will soon take over the world, hence it is going to break.... Now if you dog starts barking in German and speaking Latin - call that exorcist...) you ladies can find a cheater or potential cheater in any situation. But that is on you, not us men. Take the cheating eye energy and turn it into trusting loving eye energy - live open and full of hope not closed off and on guard... Plant the seeds of trust and passion not the seeds of distrust.... Sure you will get hurt but that is part of life... Live, love and don't judge... You will be free of the negative and happy, trust me I am not an expert...
Happy Monday
The expert says: Watch out if he doesn't invite you to a work event that other coworkers' partners are attending, like an office picnic or rooftop drinks. "Not inviting you implies that he doesn't want his coworkers to know he has a girlfriend so he can flirt with someone else," says New York City therapist Diana Kirschner, PhD.
OR: You can't hold your booze. In the past he has taken you to events with his boss and co-workers. You got blind drunk, kissed the copy boy, made fun of the boss in his shorts and did kart wheels in the middle of the coed volleyball game. Even worse, it could be that you bring nothing to the party. You don't understand his job and don't stay up on current events. No worries to you though - you still bump your gums talking about Brad and Angelina trying to compare their relationship to the North Korean nuclear crisis... But no you should take your insecurities and think he is cheating... Look in the mirror Chatty Kathy.... Pic up a paper... Put down the US Weekly and the Appletini and try to work your brain out - start at 5 minutes a day...
The expert says: Though it's normal for guys to check out other women for a second or two, even if you're right there with him, be concerned if he's taking "more than a quick glance in front of you. It's a sign he isn't concerned with appearing faithful and may be open to playing around," says Kirschner.
OR: Maybe you should take off the moo-moo and put on something nice. Being in a relationship does not give you the right to let yourself go or start dressing down... Looking at another woman in a two piece may be the only time he gets to see that because you choose to rock the one piece that looks like a 1940's special edition. Come on, grandma is showing more leg than you... BTW - a guy looking for 4 seconds instead of 2 seconds is not the gateway drug to fooling around on you. If he asks for her number in front of you then yes, he is game to fooling around on you but a glance or a look just means that he needs to work on looking at you more and you need to give him a reason to look... NEXT!
The expert says: Take notice if he tells you that he wants to use his summer vacation to take a guys-only trip and doesn't set aside any time off to spend with you. True, he could really just want to hang out at the beach with his buddies. But he could also want to mess around out of town, where he's less likely to be caught.
OR: This so called expert is killing me. Everything has the message that your guy is going to cheat. Next thing you know traffic will be a reason for him to cheat. Yes he does really want to spend time with his buddies. Sure Sunday Funday watching the Lifetime Channel is great. You cry, he sleeps, you wake him up... Blah, blah, blah... Sometimes guys need to be with other guys so they can curse, drink beers, watch sports, yell at the TV and be like cavemen. Side note - guys are not smart enough to plan a trip out of town to cheat. We will cheat on you in the same town, even if that town only has 100 people... So don't give us that much planning credit...
Like crazy Christian's that find a demon in everything when it goes wrong and an angel when it goes right (the fridge broke - fridge demon is back, get the exorcist to cast out the fridge demon... come on it was made by a man or a woman or a machine that will soon take over the world, hence it is going to break.... Now if you dog starts barking in German and speaking Latin - call that exorcist...) you ladies can find a cheater or potential cheater in any situation. But that is on you, not us men. Take the cheating eye energy and turn it into trusting loving eye energy - live open and full of hope not closed off and on guard... Plant the seeds of trust and passion not the seeds of distrust.... Sure you will get hurt but that is part of life... Live, love and don't judge... You will be free of the negative and happy, trust me I am not an expert...
Happy Monday
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I am not working Friday so today is two for one Thursday. If you want to find me on Friday just come down to Mutts - look at the end of bar and find my smiling face behind a large Trailer Park Ice Tea....
To the blog....
My friends at Ideal Bite (www.idealbite.com - if you don't get their daily tip then stop reading now and go sign up) know the earth is getting hotter. Sure during the winter in Chicago they are called bold faced liars but when the summer heat comes everyone turns to them and asks why? The reality is, the old mother earth is having a people induced hot flash.
If you watch the history channel or national geographic at least once a week you will see a show on how the earth is warming up and the dangers of this included but not limited to: rising sea water, droughts, more intense hurricanes, melting snow caps, colder and harsher winters and climate zones moving... But one fact has been left behind. A fact that is so controversial and so scary that once told people, especially lonely farmers will change their ways.
Side note: it is my opinion after finding out this riveting information that midgets are behind global warming.... You don't believe me know but you will so keep reading.
In a report from lonely Scottish farmers that use button flies not zippers (it will all make sense soon and for the rest of you - stop laughing and keep reading), the soft and fluffy sheep of the grass lands are shrinking like the polar ice caps... The finding offers unusual proof that large animals are already evolving to adapt to changes wrought by climate change - most notably, sheep.
A long, long time ago sheep used to be larger. Sheep, much like guard dogs, where used to corral and keep midgets at the circus. Then the midgets got their hands on hair spray cans and gas engines... The warming of the planet completes the puzzle...
All speculation of course (yeah right and if you don't believe this then you don't believe that Elvis and Michael Jackson are making pizza's in Peru for Marilyn Monroe - odd how I have to use a first and last name for everyone but Elvis, he was that famous..... that is cool).
The science people said the following: German biologist Christian Bergmann observed in 1847 that as members of a species migrate to higher latitudes with colder temperatures, their body size tends to increase. He speculated that larger bodies helped animals conserve heat by reducing their surface area relative to their volume.
The study concluded that, on average, 1-year-old sheep now weigh 3.3 ounces less than they did in 1985. They attributed the decline to shorter, milder winters that allowed grass to grow later into the year. As a result, sheep can make it through the coldest months with fewer fat reserves, so more lambs born to young mothers survive in spite of their small size.
First Shetland people now Shetland sheep.... Smaller sheep also make for angry farmers/sheep herders. Smaller sheep are harder to ugh, how should I put this..... It is harder to help a little sheep over the fence - wink, wink, nudge, nudge... Big sheep are easier to corner. This is why the sheep was always a popular friend to the farmer while the chicken was not - hard to catch, mean and pecky....
The skinny is this - if you don't want midgets riding into your town on mini sheep (BTW - mini sheep means mini clothes - sheep's wool can only go so far when coming from mini sheep. It now takes 4 mini sheep to make a double XL shirt - think about that while you drink your bottled water and use your Aqua Net while driving down the freeway in your Hummer) taking over your world than you better start making some lifestyle changes... Small changes are fine... But changes are mandatory...
Happy 4th Party People
To the blog....
My friends at Ideal Bite (www.idealbite.com - if you don't get their daily tip then stop reading now and go sign up) know the earth is getting hotter. Sure during the winter in Chicago they are called bold faced liars but when the summer heat comes everyone turns to them and asks why? The reality is, the old mother earth is having a people induced hot flash.
If you watch the history channel or national geographic at least once a week you will see a show on how the earth is warming up and the dangers of this included but not limited to: rising sea water, droughts, more intense hurricanes, melting snow caps, colder and harsher winters and climate zones moving... But one fact has been left behind. A fact that is so controversial and so scary that once told people, especially lonely farmers will change their ways.
Side note: it is my opinion after finding out this riveting information that midgets are behind global warming.... You don't believe me know but you will so keep reading.
In a report from lonely Scottish farmers that use button flies not zippers (it will all make sense soon and for the rest of you - stop laughing and keep reading), the soft and fluffy sheep of the grass lands are shrinking like the polar ice caps... The finding offers unusual proof that large animals are already evolving to adapt to changes wrought by climate change - most notably, sheep.
A long, long time ago sheep used to be larger. Sheep, much like guard dogs, where used to corral and keep midgets at the circus. Then the midgets got their hands on hair spray cans and gas engines... The warming of the planet completes the puzzle...
All speculation of course (yeah right and if you don't believe this then you don't believe that Elvis and Michael Jackson are making pizza's in Peru for Marilyn Monroe - odd how I have to use a first and last name for everyone but Elvis, he was that famous..... that is cool).
The science people said the following: German biologist Christian Bergmann observed in 1847 that as members of a species migrate to higher latitudes with colder temperatures, their body size tends to increase. He speculated that larger bodies helped animals conserve heat by reducing their surface area relative to their volume.
The study concluded that, on average, 1-year-old sheep now weigh 3.3 ounces less than they did in 1985. They attributed the decline to shorter, milder winters that allowed grass to grow later into the year. As a result, sheep can make it through the coldest months with fewer fat reserves, so more lambs born to young mothers survive in spite of their small size.
First Shetland people now Shetland sheep.... Smaller sheep also make for angry farmers/sheep herders. Smaller sheep are harder to ugh, how should I put this..... It is harder to help a little sheep over the fence - wink, wink, nudge, nudge... Big sheep are easier to corner. This is why the sheep was always a popular friend to the farmer while the chicken was not - hard to catch, mean and pecky....
The skinny is this - if you don't want midgets riding into your town on mini sheep (BTW - mini sheep means mini clothes - sheep's wool can only go so far when coming from mini sheep. It now takes 4 mini sheep to make a double XL shirt - think about that while you drink your bottled water and use your Aqua Net while driving down the freeway in your Hummer) taking over your world than you better start making some lifestyle changes... Small changes are fine... But changes are mandatory...
Happy 4th Party People
Your Ego - Your Relationship
To be able to truly love yourself and love someone else, you must build, mature and grow your ego. This is absolutely essential to finding an amazing relationship. It's equally critical to maintaining and continually improving a relationship once you're already in it. Your ego needs to be the foundation to your relationship - the building blocks. The house that is built on an ego is like a house built on a rock - just like the biblical parable.
Let's look at how your ego can and will help your relationship....
Coming in at number 1: Your ego is on guard duty
Defend yourself - let your ego be the Jean Claude Van Damme of your heart. Listen to your ego during fights and defend your heart - spinning back kick, superman punch, karate chop! Just know that when your ego defends you in a fight you are defending yourself and letting your significant others know that you are better than them... Good job
Coming in at number 2: Your ego is stuck to you
To love yourself and someone else completely, you must bring in your ego. It is your own personal threesome.... Love runs three ways - you, your ego and your significant other. It is easy to just love yourself and someone else, forgetting your ego. But to love all three - that is the kind of love that Oprah and Dr. Phil dream of and write about - if the could write something so eloquent and beautiful that a sunrise could not compare...
Coming in at number 3: Feedback to your ego
The truth is if someone loves you and your ego - after all your ego and you love them - they will not have any feedback to give you. They love you right? So zip it - Shut your pie hole - Shut your mouth.... Giving feedback to someone is like talking during The Godfather or wearing sunglasses at night - just not cool...
Coming in at number 4: Keep it active, work it out
Like a great workout you have to continually workout your ego to ensure a healthy relationship with yourself and that special someone in your life.... You want your relationship to go to the next level - well you need fuel and your ego is just the fuel. As the relationship grows your special someone will know and find their place in the three way known as your relationship and that architecture should be as follows: you, your ego, that person you like... If they don't see that then they are not the one for you...
There you go, 4 tips on how you and your ego can find and keep the love of your life.... Happy dating. If you keep taking my advice it could get very interesting...
Let's look at how your ego can and will help your relationship....
Coming in at number 1: Your ego is on guard duty
Defend yourself - let your ego be the Jean Claude Van Damme of your heart. Listen to your ego during fights and defend your heart - spinning back kick, superman punch, karate chop! Just know that when your ego defends you in a fight you are defending yourself and letting your significant others know that you are better than them... Good job
Coming in at number 2: Your ego is stuck to you
To love yourself and someone else completely, you must bring in your ego. It is your own personal threesome.... Love runs three ways - you, your ego and your significant other. It is easy to just love yourself and someone else, forgetting your ego. But to love all three - that is the kind of love that Oprah and Dr. Phil dream of and write about - if the could write something so eloquent and beautiful that a sunrise could not compare...
Coming in at number 3: Feedback to your ego
The truth is if someone loves you and your ego - after all your ego and you love them - they will not have any feedback to give you. They love you right? So zip it - Shut your pie hole - Shut your mouth.... Giving feedback to someone is like talking during The Godfather or wearing sunglasses at night - just not cool...
Coming in at number 4: Keep it active, work it out
Like a great workout you have to continually workout your ego to ensure a healthy relationship with yourself and that special someone in your life.... You want your relationship to go to the next level - well you need fuel and your ego is just the fuel. As the relationship grows your special someone will know and find their place in the three way known as your relationship and that architecture should be as follows: you, your ego, that person you like... If they don't see that then they are not the one for you...
There you go, 4 tips on how you and your ego can find and keep the love of your life.... Happy dating. If you keep taking my advice it could get very interesting...
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Ace the interview...
The housing and auto market are in toilet still, consumer confidence is down (that is your fault - you gotta spend people, the more you spend the higher confidence goes up so spend some money party people) and the unemployment rate is still on the rise. But you didn't come here for bad news you came here for real world solutions and I am here to help...
So for hump day we are going to tackle how to answer tough interview questions. You may be looking for a job or if you are lucky and really good, you may be getting ready for an interview... You may have a job but want a different job... No matter your situation this blog is for you.... Use it tomorrow or in the near future....
Of course, there are no right or wrong answers, ha if you agreed with that statement you just failed your first test. Yes there wrong answers and if anyone tells you different kick them in the junk...
Question number 1: What’s your greatest weakness?
I know the standard answer is giving too much, caring too much, working too hard and of course your constant stutter... Well TTTTTTTimmmmmmyyyyy that is the wrong answer. You need to answer the question with something that does not pertain to the job at hand but something you are working to over come. As an example. My greatest fear is jogging naked. I am working on over coming this, but then I got caught jogging naked next to a grade school - please notice I checked in the application that I have an arrest record. The arrest set me back a bit and now I can't visit my niece or nephew. But that has not stopped me, I am overcoming my fear of jogging naked because I am a winner. Nothing will stand in my way.
Question number 2: So tell me about yourself?
You may think that this will give you a chance to open up, share a bit about you but honestly the person talking to you does not care one bit. Hence I recommend the following answer. Express your love for midgets. Tell the interviewer how you must have a midget friend before you get married so the jockey can ride your bachelor party into the ring of roses... Why midgets? First everyone has a special place in their hearts for midgets. Second, talking up your love for midgets (yeah that just happened) shows that you are sensitive and can and will communicate with anyone in the work place. By question 2 you are a sensitive, midget loving, naked jogger that can't talk to kids... I smell a new job cooking...
Question number 3: Talk about a time you failed and how you recovered.
This is a great time to talk about your time at Shady Acres, when you recovered from you addiction to stealing. Most people would talk about some work issue and how they used FedEx Kinkos to get them out of a jam. Commercials are made about that. But recovery house - 1/2 shows are dedicated to recovery just watch A&E or MTV - even VH1 has shows on recovery like Rock of Love and I Love New York. It is important to let your future employer know that you can recover from any mistake, probably not without the professional help from the people at Shady Acres but that is not the point - the point is, you can and do bounce back.....
And finally question number 4: What changes would you make to our company if you came on board?
This is your time to relive high school. Not the high school when you were an acne covered tool that got his ass kicked each and every day... No my friend this is the time to be the high school president promising things you can never deliver on. No matter what job title. No matter what company. No matter what sector. Offer up the following changes: Columbus day would be an office holiday, not work - show some respect for the man that lead the way to us stealing an entire continent; Talk Like a pirate would be a mandatory dress up day - short skirts and eye patches are required... aaarrrrrrrr; Free beer at the end of everyone' shift (and call it a shift, not a work day but a shift like you are tough blue collar working in the steal industry) giving the employees time to talk shop and recount their day of success; finally - bring an escort to work day all in an effort to pretty up the office with some hot ladies... These are real changes that can and will make a real difference.
Happy Hump Day and call me when you land that job...
So for hump day we are going to tackle how to answer tough interview questions. You may be looking for a job or if you are lucky and really good, you may be getting ready for an interview... You may have a job but want a different job... No matter your situation this blog is for you.... Use it tomorrow or in the near future....
Of course, there are no right or wrong answers, ha if you agreed with that statement you just failed your first test. Yes there wrong answers and if anyone tells you different kick them in the junk...
Question number 1: What’s your greatest weakness?
I know the standard answer is giving too much, caring too much, working too hard and of course your constant stutter... Well TTTTTTTimmmmmmyyyyy that is the wrong answer. You need to answer the question with something that does not pertain to the job at hand but something you are working to over come. As an example. My greatest fear is jogging naked. I am working on over coming this, but then I got caught jogging naked next to a grade school - please notice I checked in the application that I have an arrest record. The arrest set me back a bit and now I can't visit my niece or nephew. But that has not stopped me, I am overcoming my fear of jogging naked because I am a winner. Nothing will stand in my way.
Question number 2: So tell me about yourself?
You may think that this will give you a chance to open up, share a bit about you but honestly the person talking to you does not care one bit. Hence I recommend the following answer. Express your love for midgets. Tell the interviewer how you must have a midget friend before you get married so the jockey can ride your bachelor party into the ring of roses... Why midgets? First everyone has a special place in their hearts for midgets. Second, talking up your love for midgets (yeah that just happened) shows that you are sensitive and can and will communicate with anyone in the work place. By question 2 you are a sensitive, midget loving, naked jogger that can't talk to kids... I smell a new job cooking...
Question number 3: Talk about a time you failed and how you recovered.
This is a great time to talk about your time at Shady Acres, when you recovered from you addiction to stealing. Most people would talk about some work issue and how they used FedEx Kinkos to get them out of a jam. Commercials are made about that. But recovery house - 1/2 shows are dedicated to recovery just watch A&E or MTV - even VH1 has shows on recovery like Rock of Love and I Love New York. It is important to let your future employer know that you can recover from any mistake, probably not without the professional help from the people at Shady Acres but that is not the point - the point is, you can and do bounce back.....
And finally question number 4: What changes would you make to our company if you came on board?
This is your time to relive high school. Not the high school when you were an acne covered tool that got his ass kicked each and every day... No my friend this is the time to be the high school president promising things you can never deliver on. No matter what job title. No matter what company. No matter what sector. Offer up the following changes: Columbus day would be an office holiday, not work - show some respect for the man that lead the way to us stealing an entire continent; Talk Like a pirate would be a mandatory dress up day - short skirts and eye patches are required... aaarrrrrrrr; Free beer at the end of everyone' shift (and call it a shift, not a work day but a shift like you are tough blue collar working in the steal industry) giving the employees time to talk shop and recount their day of success; finally - bring an escort to work day all in an effort to pretty up the office with some hot ladies... These are real changes that can and will make a real difference.
Happy Hump Day and call me when you land that job...
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
What is wrong with you America?
It all started years ago, scientists with their big brains started to unravel the genetic code. With that came studies on how people really feel about the people around them and more importantly what they want per their off spring (not the band but the little sex trophy that always finds a way to scream and crap its pants when on a plane next to me - and the parent always telling me with such reassurance - "little Debbie is never like this, she is usually so quiet." And your bad for giving your 8 month old Indian food last night. Bonus for the talent of being able to change the diaper at your seat without having to get up and go into the restroom. You barely got hot, runny, Indian food infused, baby poop anywhere).
Anyways, people started freaking out because scientists started putting out reports that in the near future you could choose your babies eye color, sex, hair color, etc.... The religious right FREAKED out - we are made in the image of God not the image of Stan the genetic scientist... People in LA FREAKED out as well - finally there is a guarantee that you can have a good looking baby that will have table waiting skills and the ability to act in a local or national commercial with the hopes that they make it onto a FOX sitcom that will last half a season - just enough time where they can get addicted to heroine but not enough time to have the money to fund the addiction making them a dime store hooker hanging out at truck stop bathrooms acting the role of a heroine addict... I mean living the role....
I bring all of this up to say that a new study finds that women are more shallow than men. Yes, you ladies are horrible shallow people and you should be disgusted with yourselves. Wait for it - no get angry with me... OH I am sure this is not you. You are special. Stay mad. Get angry. Now read....
A new study says that moms love pretty babies more than others.
Dropping the horrible, ugly, shallow bomb on you! Let's find out more about the horrible chemical make up that has you ladies hating ugly babies...
During the study, done by Mclean Hospital, 27 volunteers looked at images of babies on a computer screen—some were healthy and some had abnormal facial features. The volunteers could keep the image on the screen longer than the scheduled four seconds, or remove it early.
Volunteers. Ladies, it is even worse that you did not get paid to participate. Horrible - yes. Shallow - yes. Whores - oddly enough, no.... Good for you. And I was going to give you a zero for the day. But, being a cold hearted evil, shallow, ugly baby hating volunteer earns you one point... The study went on to state -
Both men and women kept the attractive babies on the screen, but women tended to shorten the viewing time of abnormal babies.
Honestly, that is because men can find humor in anything. We spent our extra time making fun of the ugly babies bringing laughter and joy into this world. The baby doesn't understand ugly jokes, they just see smiles and hear laughter. But you women, with your dark hateful eyes just shunned the ugly babies..... You ladies can't even find joy in the ugly....
Perhaps you ladies need to take a cue from us men and learn to find humor and joy in everything - even ugly babies....
Tuesday is done!
Anyways, people started freaking out because scientists started putting out reports that in the near future you could choose your babies eye color, sex, hair color, etc.... The religious right FREAKED out - we are made in the image of God not the image of Stan the genetic scientist... People in LA FREAKED out as well - finally there is a guarantee that you can have a good looking baby that will have table waiting skills and the ability to act in a local or national commercial with the hopes that they make it onto a FOX sitcom that will last half a season - just enough time where they can get addicted to heroine but not enough time to have the money to fund the addiction making them a dime store hooker hanging out at truck stop bathrooms acting the role of a heroine addict... I mean living the role....
I bring all of this up to say that a new study finds that women are more shallow than men. Yes, you ladies are horrible shallow people and you should be disgusted with yourselves. Wait for it - no get angry with me... OH I am sure this is not you. You are special. Stay mad. Get angry. Now read....
A new study says that moms love pretty babies more than others.
Dropping the horrible, ugly, shallow bomb on you! Let's find out more about the horrible chemical make up that has you ladies hating ugly babies...
During the study, done by Mclean Hospital, 27 volunteers looked at images of babies on a computer screen—some were healthy and some had abnormal facial features. The volunteers could keep the image on the screen longer than the scheduled four seconds, or remove it early.
Volunteers. Ladies, it is even worse that you did not get paid to participate. Horrible - yes. Shallow - yes. Whores - oddly enough, no.... Good for you. And I was going to give you a zero for the day. But, being a cold hearted evil, shallow, ugly baby hating volunteer earns you one point... The study went on to state -
Both men and women kept the attractive babies on the screen, but women tended to shorten the viewing time of abnormal babies.
Honestly, that is because men can find humor in anything. We spent our extra time making fun of the ugly babies bringing laughter and joy into this world. The baby doesn't understand ugly jokes, they just see smiles and hear laughter. But you women, with your dark hateful eyes just shunned the ugly babies..... You ladies can't even find joy in the ugly....
Perhaps you ladies need to take a cue from us men and learn to find humor and joy in everything - even ugly babies....
Tuesday is done!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Bye Billy... Killer Cheetos... Phone tips
Billy Mays, the burly, bearded television pitchman known best for his boisterous voice that you could hear even if your TV was on mute and for hawking a plethora of products such as Orange Glo, OxiClean, Zorbeez, Hurcules Hooks, Swiffer and Mighty Puddy has died. He was 50.
Tampa police said Mays was found unresponsive by his wife Sunday morning. A fire rescue crew pronounced him dead at 7:45 a.m.
Mays moved from boardwalk pitch man to TV superstar, staring in his own reality show - Pitchman. Mays was also a part of several ESPN commercials.
Oddly enough, Vince - famous for his Sham Wow commercials, was not questioned in the death of Mays.
Word from Heaven, Billy Mays is now the official pitch man for your soul and should be a catholic saint by 2012. So light a candle, say your prayer and let Billy know you need some help pitching the good Lord above.
In other crazy news....
Cheetos where used in a physical assault on Sunday morning. Chester was questioned and was ruled out as a suspect in the death of Billy Mays. Back to the news: Authorities said a couple got into a fight using Cheetos (puff, not the burnt cave man crunchy Cheetos). The Bedford County (in the great state of Tennessee) Sheriff's Department said a 40-year-old man and 44-year-old woman became involved in a 'verbal altercation.' Somehow, the orange puffy snacks were used in the assault. The super hot Cheetos where not used in the assault, just plain and puffy Cheetos... Both posted a 2500.00 bond....
Don't be afraid to just call me... Pick up the phone and just call me... Here are some phone tips to keep your relationship alive and well. You can trust me, I am 35, single and my longest relationship has been 11 months....
Keep conversations short: Easier said than done when the girl you are calling is a Chatty Kathy that has clipped her string. Sometimes you just have to hang up and turn your phone off. Just tell her your phone died, but your desire to talk with her has not. If you do this enough you can get a free phone out of it in as little as 4 weeks. Saving you money and time.
Call anytime: Let her know that you are thinking about her by calling at odd hours. Set your alarm for 4 am, wake up and call her with a chipper good morning... Call her at 2am drunk and incoherent... Always a winner of a call. If you know she has a big meeting at 2, call her at 1:59 and tell you have something super important to talk about.... Then remind her of her meeting and hang up.
Be busy: I mean really busy. If you are always busy you can always get off the phone with a, "honey - I have to go super busy here." You can also get out of bad dates or events - after all you are busy. Your busy angle starts on the phone - not answering calls, short brief calls, hang ups and ends with your freedom on all levels...
You where born a rambling man: When you get the chance leave long rambling messages that make no sense and at the end of the message ask a specific question or break up with her. The message starts with: Hi babe it's me, just here at the zoo watching the duck billed platypus swim and the monkeys masturbate and throw their poo. They are either jerking it or throwing poo at each other.... Duck - double shot of poo. I am never shaking a monkey's hand again - because I know exactly where that hand has been... Did you know the average monkey is as strong as 50 children from the UK or 45 US kids - that is not true at all... I want a pony like the ones they have at circus. Then I want to glue a horn to the front of the pony and make it into a unicorn so that I can charge kids double for unicorn rides. And the tail - rainbow colored... Honey this is the bomb idea... PS, we should see other people. Have a great day, oh and I can't make our date on Friday - already booked up....
Happy Monday party people...
Tampa police said Mays was found unresponsive by his wife Sunday morning. A fire rescue crew pronounced him dead at 7:45 a.m.
Mays moved from boardwalk pitch man to TV superstar, staring in his own reality show - Pitchman. Mays was also a part of several ESPN commercials.
Oddly enough, Vince - famous for his Sham Wow commercials, was not questioned in the death of Mays.
Word from Heaven, Billy Mays is now the official pitch man for your soul and should be a catholic saint by 2012. So light a candle, say your prayer and let Billy know you need some help pitching the good Lord above.
In other crazy news....
Cheetos where used in a physical assault on Sunday morning. Chester was questioned and was ruled out as a suspect in the death of Billy Mays. Back to the news: Authorities said a couple got into a fight using Cheetos (puff, not the burnt cave man crunchy Cheetos). The Bedford County (in the great state of Tennessee) Sheriff's Department said a 40-year-old man and 44-year-old woman became involved in a 'verbal altercation.' Somehow, the orange puffy snacks were used in the assault. The super hot Cheetos where not used in the assault, just plain and puffy Cheetos... Both posted a 2500.00 bond....
Don't be afraid to just call me... Pick up the phone and just call me... Here are some phone tips to keep your relationship alive and well. You can trust me, I am 35, single and my longest relationship has been 11 months....
Keep conversations short: Easier said than done when the girl you are calling is a Chatty Kathy that has clipped her string. Sometimes you just have to hang up and turn your phone off. Just tell her your phone died, but your desire to talk with her has not. If you do this enough you can get a free phone out of it in as little as 4 weeks. Saving you money and time.
Call anytime: Let her know that you are thinking about her by calling at odd hours. Set your alarm for 4 am, wake up and call her with a chipper good morning... Call her at 2am drunk and incoherent... Always a winner of a call. If you know she has a big meeting at 2, call her at 1:59 and tell you have something super important to talk about.... Then remind her of her meeting and hang up.
Be busy: I mean really busy. If you are always busy you can always get off the phone with a, "honey - I have to go super busy here." You can also get out of bad dates or events - after all you are busy. Your busy angle starts on the phone - not answering calls, short brief calls, hang ups and ends with your freedom on all levels...
You where born a rambling man: When you get the chance leave long rambling messages that make no sense and at the end of the message ask a specific question or break up with her. The message starts with: Hi babe it's me, just here at the zoo watching the duck billed platypus swim and the monkeys masturbate and throw their poo. They are either jerking it or throwing poo at each other.... Duck - double shot of poo. I am never shaking a monkey's hand again - because I know exactly where that hand has been... Did you know the average monkey is as strong as 50 children from the UK or 45 US kids - that is not true at all... I want a pony like the ones they have at circus. Then I want to glue a horn to the front of the pony and make it into a unicorn so that I can charge kids double for unicorn rides. And the tail - rainbow colored... Honey this is the bomb idea... PS, we should see other people. Have a great day, oh and I can't make our date on Friday - already booked up....
Happy Monday party people...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
what dressing are you?
In the world of marketing and economics is ranch dressing the ultimate power player? Is there any other product out there that has as much market saturation as ranch dressing? Can a company follow what ranch dressing has done and apply it to their process moving forward?
Let's look at the simple facts:
Market saturation: In the beginning Ranch was a simple dressing that lived in Hidden Valley. There was one kind of ranch dressing and it was one of 4 simple assortments on your table. The other three where thousand island, Italian and Caesar. Out of the 4 ranch and thousand island took the lead as the stand out dressings... Sure Caesar had a salad on most menus but that was it. thousand island took the early lead as Hardy's secret sauce on the burger and the sauce to dip your fries in.... But thousand island's taste never translated past a secret sauce on a burger... Plus you could not add anything to the sauce to make it better...
Ranch became the ultimate player. Ranch dressing crossed food lines. Ranch became a mixer or a stand alone. Got pizza - add ranch dressing, you can't say that about Italian dressing. Got fries - dip the curly or the straight cut in ranch dressing. Got a burger - dip it in some ranch dressing. How about a chicken sandwich or chicken tenders - ranch dressing please. Tomato wedges, cucumbers, carrots - all of them are good taking a dive into some ranch dressing. Chicken burrito - if you are taco bell use ranch dressing as a mixer, just add some avocado and you have the perfect "new" sauce... Jalapeno ranch dressing - had it and it was good.
I don't know of food or food group that ranch dressing has not or does not go with... Sides of ranch are almost more common place than ketchup and are in more places than mustard.
So the question is - what dressing is your business? And what kind of dressing can your business be? In the world of social networks Myspace was thousand island dressing while Facebook became ranch dressing embracing all ages, all demographics and all purposes from marketing to getting connected to staying connected.
Who will come out with the ranch dressing communications/business model. More importantly, do you want to be a ranch dressing business or is your best fit Caesar or Italian dressing? Think of all the players that tried to be ranch dressing when they should have stayed Italian dressing.
Let's look at the simple facts:
Market saturation: In the beginning Ranch was a simple dressing that lived in Hidden Valley. There was one kind of ranch dressing and it was one of 4 simple assortments on your table. The other three where thousand island, Italian and Caesar. Out of the 4 ranch and thousand island took the lead as the stand out dressings... Sure Caesar had a salad on most menus but that was it. thousand island took the early lead as Hardy's secret sauce on the burger and the sauce to dip your fries in.... But thousand island's taste never translated past a secret sauce on a burger... Plus you could not add anything to the sauce to make it better...
Ranch became the ultimate player. Ranch dressing crossed food lines. Ranch became a mixer or a stand alone. Got pizza - add ranch dressing, you can't say that about Italian dressing. Got fries - dip the curly or the straight cut in ranch dressing. Got a burger - dip it in some ranch dressing. How about a chicken sandwich or chicken tenders - ranch dressing please. Tomato wedges, cucumbers, carrots - all of them are good taking a dive into some ranch dressing. Chicken burrito - if you are taco bell use ranch dressing as a mixer, just add some avocado and you have the perfect "new" sauce... Jalapeno ranch dressing - had it and it was good.
I don't know of food or food group that ranch dressing has not or does not go with... Sides of ranch are almost more common place than ketchup and are in more places than mustard.
So the question is - what dressing is your business? And what kind of dressing can your business be? In the world of social networks Myspace was thousand island dressing while Facebook became ranch dressing embracing all ages, all demographics and all purposes from marketing to getting connected to staying connected.
Who will come out with the ranch dressing communications/business model. More importantly, do you want to be a ranch dressing business or is your best fit Caesar or Italian dressing? Think of all the players that tried to be ranch dressing when they should have stayed Italian dressing.
You have been warned...
Sometimes you come across "stuff" in life and you just stop dead in your tracks and ask, "really?"
This morning I came in with 2 ideas in my head. Yes, only 2 and nothing else. I wanted to do the Captain Crunch Challenge (thank you very special friend). I was going to put Captain Crunch against supposed healthy cereals like Grape Nuts (I like them but what are they? Nobody knows), Honey Bunches of Oats (makes me feel like a horse looking to get diabetes), Frosted Mini Wheats, Oat Bran, Bran Flakes, etc....
Then I thought - what if I wrote about wacky warning labels:
First, let us start with the title of the article that stopped me in my tracks like a truck driver picking up a hitch hiking Megan Fox....
Title: Exactly Why STD's Are So Bad
Really? Awesome. Thank you so much Baby Jesus - this is one of my two prayers answered today... I guess the prayer about winning the Lotto got lost or you just chose for me and thought writing this would bring me more joy than winning millions of dead white people's faces printed on paper... Next time, let's chat before you run off and make a decision.
The article is written by a "doctor" and I use that term very loosely.... As she tells why it is so hard to tell a woman that she has an STD or STI.... The "doctor" goes on, in an effort to make this article fun for the whole STD having community:
But STDs are not all alike - some are permanent and others are temporary (side note, a herpetologist does not study herpes but turtles, hmmmmm).
So nice of the good doctor to let me know that I have a chance to only have a temporary STD or STI... You mean it will go away, super... For a moment I thought my one night stand would lead to a lifetime of regret but 3 shots and 3 months and I am back on the whore scene again! Super duper gang!
The amazing article goes on to talk about the short term and long term consequences of getting an STD...
Some of the short term misery's are and I quote - "put your breakfast down and get your barf bag ready"
Abscesses - when certain STIs make their way up to your tubes and ovaries, they can create a pocket of pus the size of a golf ball or larger, often leading to.... (as much as your man loves to golf, he does not like puss filled STI golf balls - and no it is not okay to give him an STI because he blew of a day of garage sales with you to go golfing... Not okay). Anyways, these abscesses lead to....
Drainage or surgery. It can be a needle passed through the wall of your belly to drain the pus, or actual surgery to remove the mess--either way it's a nightmare (This is something a plumber cannot do - you have to go to the doctor for this one... I just hate the word drainage... I wonder if the mess is like tapioca pudding or mayonnaise?)
The long term consequences and I love them are:
The "talk" with every future partner about your sexual history. First sexual encounters can be awkward enough, without having to talk about the chlamydia in your past (WOW! Just had to drop the chlamydia bomb - maybe one of these days we can do a how to break it you have an STD to your partner talk, I think I can do that).
Why not now - before sex talk and after sex talk:
Before sex:
Scene: Hot n Heavy at a bar...
Unlucky guy: Why don't we leave here and go have some fun at my place. Some wine. More dancing. Maybe something else (then he shoots her the killer wink)
Really unlucky girl: I would love to. Before we go lets do a shot of tequila. Oh and by the way, I have chlamydia. Wipe that look off your face, I am like 35% sure that condoms stop it from transmitting... Good talk, let's go.
After sex:
Scene: Breakfast at the local Denny's
Unlucky guy now with an STD: Great times last night, thanks coming over. Most girls sneak out first thing in the morning. But you stuck around for a great breakfast here at Denny's. Awesome. Get whatever you want baby."
Unlucky STD girl: I want the moons over my hammy... Wink, wink... BTW, I wanted to let you now that my ex gave me herpes and then broke up with me... Sorry I forgot to tell you last night. I hope your not mad at me... So what are you plans tonight? Maybe a movie, dinner and another good time?
I thought that would have been funnier... Oh well I tried. Back to the story...
Medical bills. Because these infections need to get treated, whether or not you've got insurance (In these tough economic times it is super important to talk about the short and long term costs of taking care of your new friend that will be with you for life.... ).
Now I know that mom always told you that sharing was caring and that you should always share with your friends and in general that is true. Share you money, your food, even you gum... Don't share your pink eye, your vaginal itch or any of the sores, pores or puss dripping down your drawers (thanks Salt N Peppa')...
From the desk of Gynotalk (I can't make this stuff up) to my blog to you... My friends and loyal readers...
This morning I came in with 2 ideas in my head. Yes, only 2 and nothing else. I wanted to do the Captain Crunch Challenge (thank you very special friend). I was going to put Captain Crunch against supposed healthy cereals like Grape Nuts (I like them but what are they? Nobody knows), Honey Bunches of Oats (makes me feel like a horse looking to get diabetes), Frosted Mini Wheats, Oat Bran, Bran Flakes, etc....
Then I thought - what if I wrote about wacky warning labels:
- A label on a baby stroller warns: “Remove child before folding"
- A new label on Life Savers: "Not to be used a flotation device"
- A brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook on the end warns: “Harmful if swallowed"
- A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution - Risk of Fire”
- A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn”
- A new label on cans of Fix A Flat: "Not to be used for breast augmentation"
First, let us start with the title of the article that stopped me in my tracks like a truck driver picking up a hitch hiking Megan Fox....
Title: Exactly Why STD's Are So Bad
Really? Awesome. Thank you so much Baby Jesus - this is one of my two prayers answered today... I guess the prayer about winning the Lotto got lost or you just chose for me and thought writing this would bring me more joy than winning millions of dead white people's faces printed on paper... Next time, let's chat before you run off and make a decision.
The article is written by a "doctor" and I use that term very loosely.... As she tells why it is so hard to tell a woman that she has an STD or STI.... The "doctor" goes on, in an effort to make this article fun for the whole STD having community:
But STDs are not all alike - some are permanent and others are temporary (side note, a herpetologist does not study herpes but turtles, hmmmmm).
So nice of the good doctor to let me know that I have a chance to only have a temporary STD or STI... You mean it will go away, super... For a moment I thought my one night stand would lead to a lifetime of regret but 3 shots and 3 months and I am back on the whore scene again! Super duper gang!
The amazing article goes on to talk about the short term and long term consequences of getting an STD...
Some of the short term misery's are and I quote - "put your breakfast down and get your barf bag ready"
Abscesses - when certain STIs make their way up to your tubes and ovaries, they can create a pocket of pus the size of a golf ball or larger, often leading to.... (as much as your man loves to golf, he does not like puss filled STI golf balls - and no it is not okay to give him an STI because he blew of a day of garage sales with you to go golfing... Not okay). Anyways, these abscesses lead to....
Drainage or surgery. It can be a needle passed through the wall of your belly to drain the pus, or actual surgery to remove the mess--either way it's a nightmare (This is something a plumber cannot do - you have to go to the doctor for this one... I just hate the word drainage... I wonder if the mess is like tapioca pudding or mayonnaise?)
The long term consequences and I love them are:
The "talk" with every future partner about your sexual history. First sexual encounters can be awkward enough, without having to talk about the chlamydia in your past (WOW! Just had to drop the chlamydia bomb - maybe one of these days we can do a how to break it you have an STD to your partner talk, I think I can do that).
Why not now - before sex talk and after sex talk:
Before sex:
Scene: Hot n Heavy at a bar...
Unlucky guy: Why don't we leave here and go have some fun at my place. Some wine. More dancing. Maybe something else (then he shoots her the killer wink)
Really unlucky girl: I would love to. Before we go lets do a shot of tequila. Oh and by the way, I have chlamydia. Wipe that look off your face, I am like 35% sure that condoms stop it from transmitting... Good talk, let's go.
After sex:
Scene: Breakfast at the local Denny's
Unlucky guy now with an STD: Great times last night, thanks coming over. Most girls sneak out first thing in the morning. But you stuck around for a great breakfast here at Denny's. Awesome. Get whatever you want baby."
Unlucky STD girl: I want the moons over my hammy... Wink, wink... BTW, I wanted to let you now that my ex gave me herpes and then broke up with me... Sorry I forgot to tell you last night. I hope your not mad at me... So what are you plans tonight? Maybe a movie, dinner and another good time?
I thought that would have been funnier... Oh well I tried. Back to the story...
Medical bills. Because these infections need to get treated, whether or not you've got insurance (In these tough economic times it is super important to talk about the short and long term costs of taking care of your new friend that will be with you for life.... ).
Now I know that mom always told you that sharing was caring and that you should always share with your friends and in general that is true. Share you money, your food, even you gum... Don't share your pink eye, your vaginal itch or any of the sores, pores or puss dripping down your drawers (thanks Salt N Peppa')...
From the desk of Gynotalk (I can't make this stuff up) to my blog to you... My friends and loyal readers...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
To start it off: Ed is dead, no word on if his house is for sale...
It is official - Ed McMahon's house is once again in foreclosure.... No, wait.... After a police investigation it has been found that Donald Trump killed Ed McMahon for his home.... No matter how you cut three things ring true -
One: Heaven is now a funnier place. Of course it helps if you believe in heaven and humor and that Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon are both there - sing it with me: "reunited and it feels so good."
Two: Ed McMahon's troubled home is back on the market. Foreclosure - For Sale - Short Sale - we don't know yet but the home is available.
Three: Trump or Trumps hair is behind this in some capacity... When Ed's house was in foreclosure Trump was over aggressive in trying to get Ed's house - so do the math and Trump + death = guilty Trump and a dead homeowner owner...
Question, will Ed get an intro when he enters the gates of Heaven?
In other news: Jon and Kate plus 8, now allowed to date...
Jon and Kate plus 8 has now become - Jon meet Kate at the local McDonalds where the two of you can exchange your parental duties on camera... Kate will bring her boyfriend. Jon will complain about how Kate is a dirty pirate hooker and that having a new man each month hurts and confuses the kids... Kate will complain that Jon does not have a spine and that is what brought on the divorce, then Kate will mutter that Jon needs to get laid - 30 seconds really changes his attitude....
During the kid exchange at the local McDonalds with the cameras rolling and the parents fighting and as Kate put it at the end of their show last night - "The show MUST go one." One, or should I say, eight things, will be forgotten.... Once again the show will be about Jon and Kate and not about the 8... Don't worry the 8 will end up being totally screwed up... Kate will blame Jon, Jon will blame Kate and Dr. Phil - he will blame you, the viewer, who kept the show on the air...
10 years... 8 kids... 1 show... 2 adults.... And 8 ruined lives...
And finally... Where's Sanford?
SC Governor, has been missing... Well not really missing - he just left the state for a post election unwinding... The problem? No one knew about this little adventure except for him... The lieutenant governor couldn't figure out where Gov. Mark Sanford was. Calls from a state senator and close friends rolled to voice mail. Even his wife said she hadn't talked to him for several days.
And there is the kicker - his wife did not even know... Gov. Sanford said he needed to get away without letting anyone know. That is code for, I met a hot young lady and I wanted to get some... I am sorry, I mean he went on a hike and will be back on Wednesday....
To wrap it all up: Ed is dead... Jon and Kate are plus are 8 and now allowed to date.... Gov. Sanford's Cialis prescription ran out so he is heading home...
It is official - Ed McMahon's house is once again in foreclosure.... No, wait.... After a police investigation it has been found that Donald Trump killed Ed McMahon for his home.... No matter how you cut three things ring true -
One: Heaven is now a funnier place. Of course it helps if you believe in heaven and humor and that Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon are both there - sing it with me: "reunited and it feels so good."
Two: Ed McMahon's troubled home is back on the market. Foreclosure - For Sale - Short Sale - we don't know yet but the home is available.
Three: Trump or Trumps hair is behind this in some capacity... When Ed's house was in foreclosure Trump was over aggressive in trying to get Ed's house - so do the math and Trump + death = guilty Trump and a dead homeowner owner...
Question, will Ed get an intro when he enters the gates of Heaven?
In other news: Jon and Kate plus 8, now allowed to date...
Jon and Kate plus 8 has now become - Jon meet Kate at the local McDonalds where the two of you can exchange your parental duties on camera... Kate will bring her boyfriend. Jon will complain about how Kate is a dirty pirate hooker and that having a new man each month hurts and confuses the kids... Kate will complain that Jon does not have a spine and that is what brought on the divorce, then Kate will mutter that Jon needs to get laid - 30 seconds really changes his attitude....
During the kid exchange at the local McDonalds with the cameras rolling and the parents fighting and as Kate put it at the end of their show last night - "The show MUST go one." One, or should I say, eight things, will be forgotten.... Once again the show will be about Jon and Kate and not about the 8... Don't worry the 8 will end up being totally screwed up... Kate will blame Jon, Jon will blame Kate and Dr. Phil - he will blame you, the viewer, who kept the show on the air...
10 years... 8 kids... 1 show... 2 adults.... And 8 ruined lives...
And finally... Where's Sanford?
SC Governor, has been missing... Well not really missing - he just left the state for a post election unwinding... The problem? No one knew about this little adventure except for him... The lieutenant governor couldn't figure out where Gov. Mark Sanford was. Calls from a state senator and close friends rolled to voice mail. Even his wife said she hadn't talked to him for several days.
And there is the kicker - his wife did not even know... Gov. Sanford said he needed to get away without letting anyone know. That is code for, I met a hot young lady and I wanted to get some... I am sorry, I mean he went on a hike and will be back on Wednesday....
To wrap it all up: Ed is dead... Jon and Kate are plus are 8 and now allowed to date.... Gov. Sanford's Cialis prescription ran out so he is heading home...
Sunday, June 21, 2009
What is your slogan?
Stay - cations are all the rage these days... Save money and explore your local neighborhood. It is all good and cute but states that survive on vactioners money are freaking out... Vegas is a prime example and to get people to leave their home and spend money Vegas has led the way in commercials highlighting what you can do.... The problem is that the commercials are misleading. Watch any add begging you to come to Vegas - all you see is young hotness and people cashing in their millions in chips.... Come on Vegas, show the guy crying after he has lost his second house payment.... Or show the lady playing keno and getting the added bonus of lung cancer... Or show the 80 year old hooked up to an oxygen tank, while smoking and playing keno...
Time to break down the BS and dish the honesty on states that want your vacation dollars... Don't worry I don't have the time to do all 50 states...
Las Vegas, NV:
What you see: Vegas show girls, the strip all lit up, poker machines going off, people cashing in chips, pool side fun and antics and of course great shows with great seats...
Reality: A guy on the phone screaming at his bank to take the hold off of his ATM card so he can pull out his last 5 dollars... There is one seat left at dollar black jack and this is his chance to double down and win big... The hot streak is coming, why don't they understand that?
New slogan: Lung cancer and poverty await you....
Minnesota:
What you see: A rope swing, kids giggling as they wade in the water, camp fires and smores....
Reality: Bug bites, sun burns, crying kids and if you are lucky a visit from a bear... Your crappy burnt BBQ smells good to them...
New slogan: Land of a thousand lakes and a billion mosquito's.... We guarantee to make you a scratcher...
Mississippi:
What you see: Sun, fun, BBQ's, rides in the swamps to cool locations, history and people waving at you as you walk past them.... A nice southern feel...
Reality: KKK meetings, Deliverance (yes I know it was not filmed there but the same stuff happens there), toothless guys asking you odd questions and feeling you are just not wanted - yankee....
New slogan:Gay's can't get married here but you can marry your hot 16 year old cousin...
Florida:
What you see: White sandy beaches, fast boats, fishing, mojitos and hot latin women.
Reality: Drunk college kids, the worlds worst theme park, hot humid air, hair men in white see through pants and hurricanes...
New slogan: Cocaine, refugees, gator bait and old people.... With a dash of humidity, we like to call it home, you will call it hell....
Alaska:
What they show you: Ice bergs, bears, the cool blue waters of the Pacific, amazing fishing and hunting from helicopters
Reality: A place where the following is okay - Sara Palin is popular, that happened before her hot makeover; teenage pregnancy is the one fun thing to do; bears will eat you; men smelling like fish with a dash of old spice is A - OK; and destroying natural resources for oil is totally acceptable...
New slogan: Hot librarians, men that smell like fish and the closest state to North Korea... Soon to be the nuclear glow state....
Happy Monday.... No cancel your stay-cation and go visit one of the states listes above....
Time to break down the BS and dish the honesty on states that want your vacation dollars... Don't worry I don't have the time to do all 50 states...
Las Vegas, NV:
What you see: Vegas show girls, the strip all lit up, poker machines going off, people cashing in chips, pool side fun and antics and of course great shows with great seats...
Reality: A guy on the phone screaming at his bank to take the hold off of his ATM card so he can pull out his last 5 dollars... There is one seat left at dollar black jack and this is his chance to double down and win big... The hot streak is coming, why don't they understand that?
New slogan: Lung cancer and poverty await you....
Minnesota:
What you see: A rope swing, kids giggling as they wade in the water, camp fires and smores....
Reality: Bug bites, sun burns, crying kids and if you are lucky a visit from a bear... Your crappy burnt BBQ smells good to them...
New slogan: Land of a thousand lakes and a billion mosquito's.... We guarantee to make you a scratcher...
Mississippi:
What you see: Sun, fun, BBQ's, rides in the swamps to cool locations, history and people waving at you as you walk past them.... A nice southern feel...
Reality: KKK meetings, Deliverance (yes I know it was not filmed there but the same stuff happens there), toothless guys asking you odd questions and feeling you are just not wanted - yankee....
New slogan:Gay's can't get married here but you can marry your hot 16 year old cousin...
Florida:
What you see: White sandy beaches, fast boats, fishing, mojitos and hot latin women.
Reality: Drunk college kids, the worlds worst theme park, hot humid air, hair men in white see through pants and hurricanes...
New slogan: Cocaine, refugees, gator bait and old people.... With a dash of humidity, we like to call it home, you will call it hell....
Alaska:
What they show you: Ice bergs, bears, the cool blue waters of the Pacific, amazing fishing and hunting from helicopters
Reality: A place where the following is okay - Sara Palin is popular, that happened before her hot makeover; teenage pregnancy is the one fun thing to do; bears will eat you; men smelling like fish with a dash of old spice is A - OK; and destroying natural resources for oil is totally acceptable...
New slogan: Hot librarians, men that smell like fish and the closest state to North Korea... Soon to be the nuclear glow state....
Happy Monday.... No cancel your stay-cation and go visit one of the states listes above....
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Hey dad, got this just for you....
Father's Day is right around the corner and that means time to start shopping for dad.... Here are 5 things that are a sure fire win for dad this year...
You are busy so go shopping so... coming in at number 1: Make it!
Dad's love nothing better than a homemade book of IOU coupons.... 15 minute back rub (btw - if you are over the age of 10 the back rub coupon is just creepy, unless you live in the south); free shoe shine; cleaning of the BBQ; walking the dog and of course a week of taking out the trash...
You are up late, it's Friday night and they offer free FedEx shipping... coming in at number 2: As seen on TV.
Don't believe me? Walk into Dad's gun room or den... Now look on the walls. One of three things, if not all of these three items will be there... An animal head. Dog's playing poker. That stupid bass that sings a song every time you walk past it (nice job, the bass is singing and you just woke up the old man)... Now go turn on the TV, preferably USA Network or Bravo and wait for commercials and then let your magic fingers do the dialing... Some ideas for dad: The Comfort Wipe (see Jane Wells' blog at CNBC on this great gift idea), the auto hanger, the big city slider station (let's dad cook it up and gets mom out of the kitchen for a day - don't worry mom, you can still do all the clean up)...
You love dad and want to see him for the next 30 years, so coming in at number 3: Keeping dad busy...
Are dad's dockers a bit too tight? Does dad have reverse ass (where his gut grows but his butt shrinks)? Dad needs some gym equipment. Don't worry I am not here to push the Bow Flex that is expensive. I am thinking more like an exercise ball or a jump rope - tell him it training Rocky Balboa style... If all else fails, get a tune up on the old lawn mower and tell dad that pushing the mower works the lats, tris and chest well making the lawn look great and keeping the neighbors jealous...
Time to tie it down, coming it at number 4: The work tie....
Dad's love nothing better than coming into work the next day with his new Mickey Mouse tie... Jazz it up and get a tie that fits a theme that dad loves to ensure he will never do it again.... Perhaps a tie of lures and fish, or boats, maybe even something super classy like a Scrabble tie... All of them are winners....
And finally coming in at number 5: The best a man can get...
Nothing says dad I love you and mom don't worry he won't cheat on you like a nice bottle of Old English or Stetson - the best a man can get... Dad's want to smell good and their secretary wants to smell them coming to avoid the all to often butt slap (hey at the local insurance agency sexual harassment is never taught)... So get dad something that will keep him out of trouble - cologne from Kmart...
5 great gift ideas, all doable by Sunday.. So get your crayon out and make it, turn the TV on and shop, tie it up for some fun, smell it up or get him in shape - let dad know that round is a shape but flat is a better shape..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Blog Archive
- 07/05 - 07/12 (5)
- 06/28 - 07/05 (5)
- 06/21 - 06/28 (4)
- 06/14 - 06/21 (5)
- 06/07 - 06/14 (5)
- 05/31 - 06/07 (4)
- 05/24 - 05/31 (4)
- 05/17 - 05/24 (6)
- 05/10 - 05/17 (3)
- 05/03 - 05/10 (4)
- 04/26 - 05/03 (5)
- 04/19 - 04/26 (5)
- 04/12 - 04/19 (4)
- 04/05 - 04/12 (5)
- 03/29 - 04/05 (6)
- 03/22 - 03/29 (5)
- 03/15 - 03/22 (2)
- 03/08 - 03/15 (5)
- 03/01 - 03/08 (3)
- 02/22 - 03/01 (4)
- 02/15 - 02/22 (3)
- 02/08 - 02/15 (5)
- 02/01 - 02/08 (5)
- 01/25 - 02/01 (6)
- 01/18 - 01/25 (5)
- 01/11 - 01/18 (5)
- 01/04 - 01/11 (4)
- 12/28 - 01/04 (4)
- 12/21 - 12/28 (4)
- 12/14 - 12/21 (3)
- 12/07 - 12/14 (3)
- 11/30 - 12/07 (4)
- 11/23 - 11/30 (3)
- 11/16 - 11/23 (4)
- 11/09 - 11/16 (5)
- 11/02 - 11/09 (5)
- 10/26 - 11/02 (4)
- 10/19 - 10/26 (1)
- 10/12 - 10/19 (4)
- 10/05 - 10/12 (6)
- 09/28 - 10/05 (5)
- 09/21 - 09/28 (2)
- 09/14 - 09/21 (1)
- 09/07 - 09/14 (2)
- 08/31 - 09/07 (6)
- 08/24 - 08/31 (4)
- 08/17 - 08/24 (5)
