In the news...

Here is what is in the news - all the news, new and improved by yours truly... Lets get right to it.

The people of the Mid West are big drinkers. That is not a blanket statement, that is a fact - as sure as the sun rises, the people of the Mid West love their booze. The wonderfully boozy kids of Clawson, Michigan are no different. After an argument a woman pulled a knife on her husband - for saying she was fat you ask? Nope.com. The husband threw away her bottle of vodka. The wife made her husband dig through the trash to get her bottle of vodka and then demand that he get her the car keys. After giving up the goods her husband called 911 - the cops found her and she was pulled over with blood alcohol level of 0.23 - just below the legal limit in Michigan. On the bright side, she did not go Bobbit and cut his junk off while he slept. One the brighter side, the bottle of vodka was plastic so when he through it way it did not break... And people at the store made fun of her for buying the handle of plastic vodka - who is laughing now?

From boozy ladies with anger issues to bad guys with image issues. America's Next Top Model may be shot in London, England at the local precinct. A British man, with bad teeth - we can safely assume that, sent a picture of himself into a local paper because he did not like the sketch they made of him. WOW! Vanity has no borders... Sure he looks better in his wanted picture but now everyone knows exactly who he is. The only way this gets better is if the police work with FaceBook and use a biometric algorithm to scan photos and find those that fit his same facial features.... I am sure this criminal mastermind meets ego maniac is tagged in a couple of albums. It is safe to say he is flexing in one of his FB photos...

What do you get when you mix knives, booze, cops and burglars concerned with Vanity - well mix with a whisk in an oven safe bowel, pre-heat the oven to 425 and bake for 20 to 25 minutes. You will get a beautiful and rare turtle that some will think is God him/her self... The wonderful people of Bhubaneswar, India have themselves a rare turtle - well that is what herpetologists (you have the job of studying turtles and the name of your profession is has herpes in it - named after a sore you get on your pepe) are telling them. They think they have God in turtle form. Next to butterfly and human - God's third favorite option when hanging out on planet earth, turtle - his fourth is lama, the big man/woman loves to spit. Here is what you need to know as rules and how they apply to "God" - 1. If a guy wearing glasses says he is God, he is not. God does not need glasses - think about it. 2. If a guy says he is God and asks you if he can sleep with your wife and daughter - he is not God. 3. If a guy says he is God and then asks you to kill yourself, then he is not God. God has a track record of taking what he/she wants without asking. 4. If it takes you smoking Panama Red to get your God, errr turtle to talk with you about the future and the worlds beyond then the turtle is not God....

There you have it - the news, rewashed..

Getting ready for the weekend...

Before we jump into the shenanigans that make up my blog lets take a moment to remember all of the great people that have and that are serving in the armed forces. Say a pray for those serving. Say a pray for those that have served. Say a prayer for those recovering. Say a prayer for the families of service men/women and veterans.

Okay, wipe your eyes - stop patting yourself on the back and lets start planning your weekend. Now I know you are thinking I am going to share with you how you can find that special someone at 10am, 2pm and 8pm at your local water hole... Not today party people. Time to give your liver a break and let your imagination run wild! My first ever movie - and if you like, not my last Wednesday movie beat! Don't trip I have not seen any of these movies... I don't have time to go to the movies and when push comes to shove my money is better spent on beer... But you, you need to give your liver a break and go see the movies. If you must, sneak in a shot or two of rum for your coke - and then comes the smile!

Movie number 1: 2012

The first ever blockbuster funned education film. This movie has all the excitement of shark week with all of the special effects that you would find in the TV hit Fantasy Island - yes the, "de plane boss" is a midget - special effects are not that special. 2012 is a historical look at the first pyramid and virgin killing economic bubble. One man took on the job of making people's calendar - that was the first mistake, you never give just one person a job. That one man sold his calendar services, increasing his rate in the exploding Mayan economy. The Mayan people paid for a while but hey had to stop paying... The exact day they stopped paying - 12/12/2012... Why did they stop paying? Economic crisis. There was a pyramid bubble - they invested in too many pyramids and virgin sacrifices... Their economic bubble burst and that burst led to the cut backs - the first cut back was calendars...

I give 2012 3 out 5 stars....

Number 2: Fantastic Mr. Fox

This is a turn you on your head kind of movie. George Clooney is the ugly dorky guy and Billy Murray is the handsome stud that can't go 2 blocks without getting laid. Mr. Fox (Bill Murray) is a modern day gigolo going from town to town but this gigolo has a dark secret - he is impotent! That is right in the black comedy Bill Murray is playing pool with a garden hose. So how does Clooney fit in???? The ugly but well hung Clooney plays Murray's cock double. The real twist comes when a woman from Two Dot, MT falls in love with Murray's looks and Clooney's - well you know.... She accepts them both and like a dyslexic mormon she marries both. Clooney stays locked in the bedroom like hidden porn under your 13 year old mattress and Murray skips around town free and in love.

I give this movie 6 our of 13 stars

Number 3: The Messenger

Staring Ben Foster, from Yuma 3:10 obscurity, stars as a 1920's tap instructor that works on the side as a singing telegramer. Foster gained 65lbs to get the starting role. Foster said it was hard to learn how tap dance and gain weight but having ice cream and cheese cake with every meal put the pounds on.... Per the movie - Foster is tone deaf and can't hold a beat to save his life - I saw this in the preview. The producers went over the top in a bad way by making it a black and white talky - Chaplin style, minus the talent...

I give this move 2 our 33 stars....

Happy Hump Day!

First dates to relationships....

Yesterday I took the time to help you through your first date jitters. Today I am here to help you go from the first date to landing that special someone you can and will fart in front of.... Stop blaming the dog ladies...

Read, study, print and follow like map quest directions to your Match.com date...

Number 1: Can you hear me now?

Date one is done and in the bag - you have covered religion, sex and your ex. You have the digits and you want to see that special someone again... So how do you land them? Easy my friends - the drunk dial. Go get super boozy with your friends and at 2am shoot a text (that makes no sense because the keys are so small and your fingers are so big when you get drunk) and follow that text up with a phone call. Nothing cements a relationship like a drunk dial. Think about it - that special person gets to know if you are a happy, sad or a mean drunk. They also get to know if you drink and drive. And they get the bonus of booze honesty - they quiz you and your verbal diarrhea takes over...

Number 2: No I love you more...

If you want to keep that special someone around then you have to profess your love. Date 2 is the perfect time to say, "I love you." Don't let the love haters out there tell you that saying I love you on date 2 is going to fast... You are special, you can feel and understand love in hours - for many it takes months, if not years... Feel sorry for those people - keep your heart open and your liver working overtime. You can only feel true love if when you get drunk and let your defenses down...

Number 3: I just called to say....

You sound best when you leave a long and awkward message for your special someone... A message that goes like this: "Hey you, how are you? I am just in the car driving to my dentist and... Hey what the F*#%K - learn how to drive you old bag! I hope you die soon - you and that parrot on your shoulder. Who gave you a license to drive? Sorry, btw - have you ever seen the 80's classic license to drive? How about this Friday I go to Blockbuster and rent that gem for us - we can cuddle up, pop up some fresh Indiana corn and...... What the hell man? Crazy homeless person - Allah, I hate homeless people. They need to die. Wonder if anyone would notice if I ran a homeless person over? They are homeless and they smell so bad some may think they are just sleeping and are not dead... It is a thought." Then comes your calling card... If you are happy with your message please hang up, press 1 to mark urgent, press 2 to re-record. You press 1 and know that she loves you and you love her. PS - the reason she will not call you back? License to Drive - come on man, really? If you are going classic driving movie you have to rock Smokey and Bandit or Cannon Ball Run... Dumb ass...

Number 4: www.....

The information super highway brought you together. The information super highway will bring you closer. FaceBook - Twitter - Google searches - Myspace - YouTube... These social networking sites are also the foundation of how you will share and express your love while the two of you are apart. Your tweets will go from - "gotta poop again, 4th time today and it is only 11am" to "5am, waking up and still in love - smiles for miles." Your FaceBook status will go from - "Monday's blow" to "Got blow again on a Monday!" You will go from lip sinking Hootie and The Blowfish songs on YouTube to singing Michael Bolton songs to your special someone. Your Myspace account will change - your clips from Dateline's To Catch A Predator to clips from the hidden camera you put up in her bathroom (keep it classy and blur out her cheese). Don't forget to google your special someone so you can see everything have done and pictures they wish they had never taken...

Three tips to keeping and maintaining a last relationship... Happy Tuesday party people...

I am back...

First dates are the best but some people get a bit nervous when it comes to dating and they get really nervous on first dates... So I am here to help you nervous Nelly's navigate the first date waters with ease... Today I will be giving you some points on what to talk about on your first date... Use these talking points and I can promise that your first date will be..... Well it will be....

1: What you have experienced....

Everyone knows that a first date is not only a free dinner (for the ladies) but also your first of many therapy sessions. We all know that sharing about your ex is a winning idea but what the experts won't tell you is that you should also share about your recent dating history... I recommend that during dinner you share about your date the night before - the good, the bad, the ugly and the sex... Your date has the right to know if they are on the road to a good date or a bad date and that no matter how the date goes that you will put out...

2. Dear baby Jesus....

Who you pray to and why is a must for first date conversation... In fact I recommend that over dinner you drop the "grace" bomb and pray over your food. You need to know if the person you are with is on the Tom Cruise Scientology train or if at some point they want you to move to South America and drink some KoolAid or rock a purple smock and black Nikes before you go to bed. This is information you need on date 1 not date 3 or 5 when find yourself at a rally praising the darkness, tell the sun to F-off and nailing the local doctor to a cross for highlighting the benefits of 60 year old men getting a boner or 2...

3. Sex....

Like my girls Salt-n-Peppa, "let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me..." If I am picking a date up I will have this song ready to play when the lucky young lady gets in the car - set the stage and keep it classy... If you can't talk about sex on a first date then what can you talk about it? Jump the big hurdles early and then the talk about less important things like kids, lifestyle, debt - money management, family and relationship expectations will be like water under the bridge.... You won't even need to talk about them - you will be to busy talking about and having sex... Thank me after you catch your breath...

Keeping dating conversations and dating dreams alive.... Much love party people and happy Monday...

Twinkle, twinkle little star who shall love me at this bar?

I was going to do a blog on how a woman took my relationship blogs to heart and then got hurt. Then I remembered my cardinal rule - I don't blog about my life or how my blogs impact others...

So instead lets just pass out some more advice...

With a fever of 101 and cloud covered skies I can still see the stars... Or I am just seeing stars... No matter, time to read them...

Aries: Go to Condom Revolution and buy some edible body paints. Then go to BevMo for the 5cent sale and get some wine. Stop at Illuminations for some candles. Now it is time to party. As a side note - the edible body paint and the box wine you get at BevMo will make war not love in your tummy and you will barf on your lover - but up until that moment, you my friend are making magic!

Taurus: Just like the song from Bad Company - Feel Like Make'n Love. That is the only feeling you are going to have this week. Keep it fun and sing, Hooked On A Feel'n.

Gemini: There is a reason you go to the gym, wax and get rid of that furry creature above your lip (at least we all know you are on the pill) - you want to look good. And to be honest, he only likes you for your hot body... Not your mind... So one more mile and one more set of sit ups..

Cancer: It is getting hot... The lines are getting wavy and the stars are getting brighter... Oh Cancer you are in so much trouble. You believe in love at first sight. You will find lust at first sight. Sadly your lust will come and go and yes the pun was intended...

Leo: It has been awhile for you and by a while I mean a really long time.. Stop treating your body like a lust filled jungle gym and get out there. It is time you stopped you playing the role of a horny monkey in the tree and started getting out there - talking with the opposite sex...

Virgo: Life is good... Life is really good. Keep on keeping on my friends..

Libra: The colors change in the fall but that does not mean that your colors need to change. Ditch the colored contacts and go back to the days when the drapes matched the carpet... That does give you the green light to invest in shag carpet...

Scorpio: The drugs are not working... My head is on fire... Oddly enough after your one night stand this weekend you will pee fire. Sorry, taking penicillin early will not help..

Sagittarius: Don't get lost in the waves of adoration... Don't get lost in the cheers, err rings from the calls of the opposite sex wanting you... I write this but you will... And while your chest fills up with pride and your heart swells a scorned lover will sneak up behind you and cut so fast and hard you will not even hear your brass balls hit the floor...

Capricorn: Your orgasm is not a Rubik's cube so stop treating it like one and stop requesting that each of your lovers be the perfect mix of Steven Hawkings and Brad Pitt....

Aquarius: Invest in a Snuggie... Your love life plays the seasons... Summer was hot and so where you... Winter will be cold and so will your bed...

Pisces: If you want someone to open the present in your pants this winter then start channeling Howard Hughes... Stay up in a hotel room, alone, unshaven and jars of piss surrounding you.. But just in your mind... Don't really do this unless you are worth billions and you can afford to bring in top rate talent that will look past your oddities for a couple grand...

Little schooling - high pay...

My dear friends at Yahoo! Finance came up with a list of 10 high paying jobs that take little to no schooling. Today we are going to take a look at some of the jobs, the pay, the responsibility and then do some simple math to see if the little to no schooling is justified...

Job: Air traffic controller

Pay: 100k

Schooling: 2 years - on the job training

Responsibility: Watching blinking dots on a radar screen - i.e. those blinking dots are you and your friends. Air traffic controllers make sure you take off and land safely. The average air traffic controller navigates 1000's of a lives day.

The math: I would think that we, the consumer and passenger, would want a person who can handle more than 2 years of schooling before I turn my life over to them. You need more schooling to volunteer... You need more schooling to teach snotty little nose picking butt scratchers... But when the lives of 100's at a time, 1000's during a work day are at hand - 2 years of schooling - sure, how much schooling does one need when human lives are stake? BTW - my vote is 10 years...

Job: Detective

Pay: 70k

Schooling: Passing in house tests and exams

Responsibility: Carry guns, have a badge, solve crimes....

The math: First off, anyone that gets to carry a gun and determine my guilt or innocence needs at least 10 years of schooling and then another 5 years of couch time with the psychologist. After that, then we can give them a gun, a badge and a pay raise. Officers have a dangerous job and they deserve to be paid like doctors. That written, they need to have the same training as doctors...

Job: Sheriff Patrol Officer

Pay: 55k

Schooling: Needed to complete high school

Responsibility: Carry a gun, a badge, get a cool car with lights, sounds and more guns...

The math: We all went to high school. Nothing in high school education prepares you to carry a gun, shoot someone, arrest someone or deal with the power of being a law enforcement officer. I would not give a high school educated person the power to write parking tickets, let alone give them a gun, a badge and a top of the line super car with more guns...

Job: Occupational Therapist Assistant

Pay: 40k

School: Degree or Certificate

Responsibility: Help injured people recover from or compensate for loss of motor skills.

The math: This should be your worst nightmare - you break your back and you go to Taz the hippie from Santa Cruz who is going to heal your back, your soul and your inner child. Don't worry Taz has a certificate from IHOP (International House of Physicalness). The only thing Taz should be doing is writing me a medical marijuana prescription... He should never be touching me, no matter what that piece of paper on the side of his van says...

Happy Tuesday my friends...

Words of wisdom...

The news is rich with information this morning - 6ft tall orange bunny rabbits getting hit by cabs; transvestites robbing people; Egyptian women saying no to the bee keeper outfits... And on and on... But after Saturday, this is all I have to write.. Enjoy. T-shirts will be available shortly...

In response to the old adage, "Why would a man buy the cow if he can get the milk for free."

"Why by the pig when all you want is a little bit of sausage."

AND I AM OUT!

So right they are wrong...

Pew Research Center took on the task of finding out what people thought of Fox News. Oddly enough 47% thought that Fox, and lets use the term loosely - News, called them mostly conservative. Then the weird came out. 14% thought Fox News was.... wait for it... "mostly liberal." 14% of the people polled thought that Fox News - the commentators called our president a racist and compared him to Hitler, was liberal. The same 14% thought Sarah Palin was a hippie; thought Dick Cheney was a bad shot; thought the Old Testament was a light hearted kids books full of cute stories; and thought McCarthy was way to soft on Hollywood and those commies!

After reading this two things need to happen:

1. Someone needs to invent a murder button. Like the Staples button, "that was easy." I can push it and, Murder Button, "they are dead."

2. Like a driving test, people need to take a test before having kids. You can't just be humping away until your cousin pops out a kid...

In other news:

ABC News in Washington DC is taking an up close and unobscured look at women giving themselves home breast exams. This will be the first time in the history of news that the largest viewing demographics will be 14 year old boys and 45 year old virgins... Boobies!

Our friends in Indonesia are just saying no to camel toe. For all of you spandex wearing ladies out there, cancel your trip to Indonesia. Starting the first of Nov. it will be against the law for women to wear "tight" pants. By tight they mean everything from skinny jeans to clothe to tight you can tell what religion a girl is...

There is a new way to cheat death and get paid and it comes from our friends in Russia. Stop light roulette. Drivers get paid to up to 7k to go for a series of miles running red lights and stop signs, if they finish the task accident free they can win big. Oh those crazy Russian taxi drivers - they will do anything for a tip.

Happy Friday kids... Make it a great weekend...

Prison Justice...

Some things are so amazing you just can't make them up and to be honest you would not even think about making them up... Unicorn monkeys - thought of it! Zero calorie beer - please, that is years old. Tom Cruise as a straight guy - ladies wish upon a lucky star... So what then? Read on party people, read on...

Earlier this week a Los Angeles couple attacked and tortured their loan modification agent. That is not the interesting news... The kicker is that the couple beat up their loan modification agent with wooden knuckles! Not brass knuckles, wooden knuckles. In these economic trying times they took apart their banister and whittled themselves some wooden knuckles.

I wondered, did the wooden knuckles have a nice varnish or perhaps the wooden knuckles had a rough cut giving deep bruises and slivers. That is insult to injury - a busted up face and the embarrassment of slivers, slivers that if you have super delicate skin could lead to scares making you a hit one day out of the year - you guessed it, Halloween (yes I can and will keep it seasonal).

Comparing the wood to brass I have to think that wood wins out as not only the cheaper alternative but also the greater inflictor of pain. Brass is smooth, polished and shiny. Wood is thick, dark, rough and has the ability to slowly peel apart and lodge into your victims skin. As a bonus, if you are a green bully you can recycle your homemade wooden knuckles - can't do that with brass knuckles.

Just had a flash of wisdom. Father son bully teams can make wooden knuckles together in the garage. Wooden knuckles can tear faces apart and bring lost and violent families together. The family that carves and fights together, stays together...

IN other exciting news:

1. A new defense is being used in a murder case... The jiggle and giggle, I am too fat to kill defense. A man from Hackensack, NJ says that there is no way he could kill his former son-in-law because he is just too fat. Oddly enough, he is not too fat to be on the Biggest Looser. If he wins this case will there be a body mass index for murders? Two pounds lighter and I would be guilty.... Ben and Jerry saved my fat ass murdering life....

2. There is nothing magic about your magic marker, accept for the word magic in the name. Two boys in Carroll, Iowa found this out the hard way. They colored their faces with black magic marker ink and then robbed a couple of homes. The police busted them... Shocker I know... After all they paid the 10 cents extra and used the magic marker - making one have to believe that it comes with magic ink. If the cap was magic what would be the point?

3. The rule has changed from what would Jesus do to this is what Jesus told me to do and that makes decision making so much easier... Earlier this week in Lexington, KY a man was arrested for stealing a car - Dodge Charger. His defense has nothing to do with his size, that can only be used with murders (yes we are close to the end of the blog, hence the wrap up). He told the cops that Jesus talked him into stealing the car. So have we evolved to WWJS (what would Jesus steal)? FYI - Jesus would have you steal a donkey. Sure the get away power is not there but, Jesus would want you to steal the exact same ride that he had. Besides, donkeys as a form of transportation never go out of style and unlike lamas and camels, donkeys don't spit!

Happy Thursday...

Halloween and the stars...

I spent the night looking into the stars and my friends this is what I have found for you...

Aries: Let's start with your outfit.. Sure it will get you laid but when you wake up you will want to chew your arm off... So be prepared for a whorish, drunken night of forgettable and bad sex... The stars don't lie and neither do you legs that have never crossed.

Taurus: I know with the outfit you picked I should be saying, "oh you little devil." But you will be bull giving the horns. Who will mess with you? Look for the handsome man drinking ice cold vodka gimlets.

Gemini: So sorry but you suck. You pulled the short straw and that means that you and your earth hating SUV will be driving around all night long with your drunk candy corn smelling friends as they plow through Taco Bell and then end up puking in the back of your ride... Have a great night. And the mom costume you will be rocking, so money...

Cancer: You will have a hard time picking out the right costume. First you will want to be the balloon boy - then you will want to be OctoMom - then swine flu.... Don't settle and don't be a contemporary news piece.... Be something cool like a bumble bee or a flower...

Leo: As yourself this question.. Do you like being blind drunk and making an ass of yourself? I know you do.... And so do the stars... Get ready for a booze fueled night where you will moon the bartender, flash the taxi driver and have your barf fly through your nose.... Eat light that night..

Virgo: Just like every night of your life it will be amazing... Nice work... PS, I am a Virgo...

Libra: This is your Halloween of DEATH! If you want to make it a great Halloween than I recommend you dressing up as a recently departed celebrity... Just remember that with costume comes the responsibility to also act out that persons death...

Scorpio: This is your day to show off your dark side... Dress in black. Dress in leather. Dress in latex. Dress in something that is dark, sexy and a lot like cat woman - and don't be picky. Go early 90's Cat Woman or early 60's... Either way, just go..

BTW: totally forgot there was going to be 12 of these... The stars are getting fuzzy...

Capricorn: I just gave you a disclaimer and now I am going to use it. The name is a softball pitch and I am taking it... Dress up as candy corn, eat candy corn and only take candy corn shots....

Aquarius: Hey you horny sea horse... Tonight is your night to get the hot tub and - just a like a sea horse, grow... Your sea horse gig will have you doing the headless horseman walk of shame during the dawning of the age of aquarius.... Come on I had to..

Pisces: Let's be honest for the past 8 years you have dressed like a whore so don't wreck a good thing, just add to it. Add how? I recommend one game and one game only - you get on your knees and show of your skills by bobbing for apples.

The stars don't lie and neither do my booze filled eyes... Happy Halloween kids...

He says no more...

Paul Haggis, the director of Crash has decided to sever his ties with Scientology. Why you ask?First, let's go over the why nots...

Number 1: The idea that 75 million years ago, there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu who was in charge of 76 planets in our sector of the galaxy, including planet Earth, whose name at that time was Teegeeack. This idea did not make him sever ties with the modern religion..

Number 2: The idea that each individual person (called a "thetan") is considered to be a "thought unit" of the spiritual universe which interacts with the physical universe (MEST), usually by inhabiting a human body. That did not have him running for the doors..

Number 3: The idea that "levels" through which a participant progresses make up what is called "The Bridge to Total Freedom." Progress through all the levels of the "Bridge" often takes many years of dedicated study and practice, and the cost in fees for services for the Bridge is currently estimated at approximately $300,000 - $500,000 in US dollars. That dollar figure and belief did not have our friend shaking his head.. Oh no...

Number 4: The thought that in 1970 Hubbard blamed the Holocaust on psychiatry. Nope.com that did not have Haggis saying not for me and my big brain...

So what had Haggis saying no more to Scientology? They will not support gay relationships... "I could not, in good conscience, be a member of an organization where gay-bashing was tolerated," Haggis wrote.

I am with Haggis... You should not be part of an organization that tolerates gay-bashing. That written, I am disappointed that my he let 4 crucial things slide - hundreds of thousands of dollars being paid to get to cross a bridge, Holocaust bashing, alien rulers and of course Thetans..... I am all for a guy having principles but common sense seems that it would be a good second when looking into joining and being a part of organizations...

I am going to put on my purple snuggie and some black nikes... I am late for a meeting...

Easy button - yeah we got that

News and sex in public - that is what we have going in todays blog..

News: Wyoming man copies big to get dance...

Our friends at the Wyoming Tribune Eagle recently reported that a local man hired a dancer from Cheyenne's Green Door Lounge. The pole pro picked him up at his home by taxi and went with him to the Lariat Motel so that she could - uh, dance for him... The kicker, the guy paid her with photo copied 50 dollar bills... Yeah, the guy went to his local Kinkos, photo copied 2k in 50's and then used scissors from his home to cut the bills. He went cheap on the paper and he did a bad job cutting... He did such a bad job that the dancers driver/protection noticed the bills where fake.

I like his style but that written if you are going to go through the effort of creating "fake" money so that you can a private lap dance in a hotel room then go all the way big guy. Get the right kind of paper and don't use your kids "Hello Kitty" pink scissors that don't even fit your fingers to cut the money up...

For those of you thinking of pulling this stunt... Think about this - the man charged with making the fake money to get his lap and genitals all rub up on by a woman that is wearing too much glitter, smelling like coco butter and answer to the name Misty Mountains, faces up to 20 years in prison if convicted on federal counterfeiting charges, the newspaper reports. His lawyer declined any immediate comment.

From paying for sex to public sex lets talk about how you can get busy in the Burger King bathroom... Ladies we are not having sex with you in these place, okay we are but we are not happy about it..

1. Big old jet had a light on...

Nothing screams sex like being a mile high in the air with blue toilet bowl water, cramped spaces, a bi-fold door, odd smells, weird stains and no flowing water... Ladies, it may take some work to get us guys all up for some sex a mile high in the air and don't expect us to have an orgasm but we will do our best to appease your sexual appetite..

2. Go green but don't go all the way...

Ladies we love it that you are hot, sexy and have great legs. But ladies we hate it that you bought a two seater green machine that gets 900 MPG. Just cause your got your MPG does not mean you are getting are speed shifter... Wink, wink... As much as we love small things making our things look bigger - we don't like having sex in small places like your Yugo.. So come have sex with us in our earth hating Yukon.. You can even park your little car in the trunk...

3. Church...

Cathedrals are a great place for younger men to meet older men... If it was older women looking for younger men we would call it cougar hunting... When it is older men in weird outfits looking for younger men the term is priests no matter what collar they are rocking and unlike cougars hunting, this kind of Dateline on NBC To Catch a Predator is - Depech Mode with me, WRONG... So with that kind of baggage and the memories of turning priests down, ladies just know that we are going to need to be buttered up and you may need to dress like a nun if you want some action from us in the "upper room."

4. The beach...

I know, I know - seeing our bodies in a tight small speedo is hot. As our pale skin burns and our back hair dances in the wind all you can think about is getting our speedo to get out your friend... But ladies understand at the beach sand gets everywhere.. You hate it when we pick our butts in public but we are picking because you made us have sex at the beach and the sand got all up in our cracks...

From lap dances to places you ladies make us have sex... Today we have learned a lot.. Print, highlight and take it easy on us ladies...

H1N1....

First and foremost, I know a couple of people that have the swine flu. So for those that have it - get better, be safe and take care of yourself.. Our thoughts and prayers are with you..

After watching 60 minutes last night and reading 15 plus stories about the swine flu I thought I would dig a little deeper and look into the swine flu vaccine. At first glance the PR blitz by the CDC has only told what people should and what people should not get the swine flu vaccine. The rest of the information out there is a bit out there...

Here is the skinny most of the experts on the net are stating that if you get the H1N1 vaccine an angel will die, kittens will claw their own eyes out, smurfs will commit suicide and teletubies will come out the closet - and you, not only will you cause all of this but you will be injecting yourself with several ingredients that by themselves the CDC says you should not put in your body...

I did not want to get caught up in the hype so I thought I would go to the source - so I called the CDC information center looking for information; specifically the ingredients that make up H1N1. I did not want the ingredients and measurements - it is not like I was trying to make moonshine H1N1. But I did want to know what they where recommending that I and the kids around me inject into our bodies... The answer may shock you. There was no answer. The CDC does not know what is in the H1N1 vaccine. This is no joke. I spent 25 minutes on the phone - mostly on hold and then had a conversation with a nice young lady (well she sounded nice). She was honest with me and stated that www.cdc.gov does not have the answers and neither does her office. She could tell me how what was in the flue vaccine but not H1N1. She could tell me how to determine if I had the swine flu and she told me that I should take the H1N1 but she could not tell me what was in the vaccine that she was encouraging me to take... So I made a deal with her. I would mix something up based on what I have at home put it in a cup and tell her that it will make her happy - if she drinks it up then I will take the H1N1... She would not take me up on the deal. But still said that I should get the shot...

So what is in H1N1? We only know a couple of the ingredients and those ingredients are not good.

Bad ingredient number 1: Mercury

Mercury has a number of effects on humans that can be simplified into the following effects:

• disruption of the nervous system
• damage to brain functions
• allergic reactions, resulting in skin rashes, tiredness and headaches
• negative reproductive effects such as sperm damage, birth defects and miscarriages

Damages brain functions can cause degradation of learning abilities, personality changes, tremors, vision changes (for the worse not better spider man), deafness (only good if you don't want to listen to your wife/gf nag you anymore), muscle incoordination and memory loss (great if you want to see her/him for the first time, every time).

Bad ingredient number 2: cancer cells from animals

From everything that I can find, every effort made by modern medicine has been to patients of cancer - not put cancer in patients. The experts say, that we don't know the full effects of injecting animal cancers into people.

Bad ingredient number 3: MF59

Interesting fact 1 - MF59 has not been approved by the FDA. Interesting fact number 2 - MF59 Adjuvant do not stimulate antibody responses against Squalene. Interesting fact number 3 - MF59 was an unapproved ingredient in the experimental anthrax vaccines and has since been linked to the devastating autoimmune diseases suffered by countless Gulf War vets. Interesting fact number 4: CDC.gov is saying that kids may need a double dose of the H1N1 vaccine but parents and children safety groups have insisted that nay vaccine to be received by a child must have all its ingredients disclosed and must be free of Thimerosal (mercury - fun side note: thimerosal causing autism has gone from a biological plausible to biological certainty) and the squalene adjuvant (not FDA approved yet)...

So who wants to go get a shot with tomorrow? A shot of tequila that is...

Monday Magic... questions answered....

You have questions about love and and sex. I have answers. So let's get to it party people..

Q: Is it okay to Michael Bolton someone?

A: The reality is that of the two of you doing the no pants dance one of you really likes the other and the other likes the freedom of having sex without paying for your dinner before having sex with you. Now if you get caught in a how can we be lovers if we can't be friends situation and all you want is the friendship with some hot and easy action on the side remind your friend that dating is legal prostitution - that should by you at least one more weekend of naked wrestling before you have to stop playing the role of a inbred southerner banging your really nice cousin and instead go out and actually try and date... Time to put your big kid pants on and face the world.

Q: Sex while your aunt is in town?

A: Like sex with an ugly person (if you have never had sex with an ugly person, than you are the ugly person - sorry but someone had to tell you) you can do it and you can make it fun. The rules are as follows: it has to be really dark; a change of sheets needs to be available; no cuddling after - the finish starts with a shower and neither of you looking below your waist.. If you can follow these instructions then you can have sex when her aunt is in town.

Q: Number 1 - Number 2

A:: It is NEVER okay to pee or poop in front of your lover - especially you ladies who like to sneak in a pee before jumping in the shower with us. First, when dating you ladies help kill the planet by running water while you pee for fear that we will hear your pee hit the water. So why you would go from not letting us hear you pee to peeing in front of us baffles the minds of scholars around the world. And don't get me started on crap. Smells, gas, smells and the face people make when they drop a hot log is just not sexy. But if you must then lets go 80's game show style and lets make a deal... If we can pee in the shower while you are in the shower with us than you can drop either number in front of us... Deal?

Q: Laying out the month...

A: In these busy times we schedule everything from lunch to the gym to time with friends so it makes sense to schedule right? Depeche Mode it with me - WRONG! The best part of sex is having it when you did not plan on having sex... Maybe you are making dinner and realize that the microwave works and your does your libido. So you turn off the burner, put the oven on warm and knock one out... The only schedule both of you should have is an internal schedule that clocks the time between the two of you being intimate with each other - not just sex, but kisses, hugs and most importantly (cause it leads to sex - wink, wink) kissing the person you love in way that lets them know that you still LUST for them....

There you have it 4 questions - 4 answers.... No go and live out Monday like it was a Saturday...

So you wanna go bump in the night...

Halloween is time to dress up, get a bit boozie and if you want land yourself a hot piece of action for the night or for many nights to come... Of course this begs the question, how do you put the moves on the sexy nun that keeps giving you the eye.... Here are 4 sure fire ways to let the ghost, ghoul or witch know that you want to have some fun later...

Number 1: The grab, err I am so scared grope!

This move goes back to first Halloween. The girl pretends to get scared next to you and next thing you know she has jumped into your arms... He big stud the odds are this is not the only time she will fake something with you.. HA! If you like her catch her in your arms and then don't let go big fella cause you just hooked some hotness. And your friends said that glueing peeps to your shirt and calling yourself a chick magnet was a bad idea... Who is laughing now? You are, you chick magnet!

Number 2: Going Cake style...

For the ladies Halloween is an excuse to dress like their favorite porn star... But there is one simple rule... No matter if you are slut witch, the "head" nurse or the Daisy Duke that won't be sleeping with her brother/cousin/uncle - when the hot pig tailed dirty girl scout comes into the room selling her cookies or flashing her cookie... You can't call her a whore... But you can call her a winner and if she plays her cards right the winner of some VD as well..

Number 3: The Snuggie...

This is a pre-Halloween move. Invite the girl over for dinner and movie - make the movie scary and while you are it make your place ice cold. Then offer up a Snuggie and a snuggle... Let her feel safe in your warmly wrapped and free to move Snuggie arms... Let her warmly wrapped and free to move Snuggie arms wrap around you - unless you played your cards wrong or if you moved your hands to freely - then she may be using the freedom of the Snuggie to grab her mace. Look on the bright side, your Halloween costume can be a maced pervert...

Number 4: All Hallows Shots!

From the Scoobie Snack to the Brain to the Freddie Krugar to the Silver Bullet to the Lobotomy - get your booze in line and get your Halloween drink menu on speed dial. If you want to impress that special someone nothing says I like you like a themed shot (that tastes good) that matches the persons special outfit. If you find a red head dressed like a slut witch or dirty girl scout - I recommend the Red Headed Slut... And she is dressed like one! BAM! That just happened...

There you have it, 4 sure fire ways to go bump in the night by the 31st...